


Unwavering Faith

by DarkMidniteMage



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Big Depression Hours™, Eating Disorder, MY HEAD IS REALLY FUCKED UP, Multi, OH ALSO IN THE 18TH CHAPTER JOSH TRIES TO OFF HIMSELF, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Suicide, THIS IS A NEW TAG, anxiety ridden angst children, mild transphobia but it does get corrected later on i promise, trigger list is long you've been warned, triggers for abuse, yeah there's a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-11 15:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19930381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkMidniteMage/pseuds/DarkMidniteMage
Summary: There's fear in the air. Uncertainty. Something's happening to Shibuya. It's starting at the edges......Moving towards its core.Starts on the last day of the Long Game. Read tags for triggers. Repost from 2018 because I thought I wouldn't continue it but I randomly thought yesterday, "hey let's continue that edgy ass fic you wrote nev this won't end badly" and here we are.





	1. Guns For Hands

“Neku? You’d better pick up that gun.”

Staring down cerulean eyes, Joshua could see Neku’s expression falling rapidly as he realized just what he was being told to do.

“…I mean, this IS going to be a duel.” Joshua smirked lightly, but his heart wasn’t in this. His heart was pounding in his chest, every part of him hoping and screaming and wishing that this would work. “I’ll keep the rules extremely basic.” Josh formed his hand into a gun, aiming towards Neku in demonstration, his finger gun pointed upwards towards the ceiling. “I’m going to count down from ten,” Joshua moved his hand to face Neku, then made a motion as if shooting a bullet. He could see Neku shiver, as if he had shot him again. “On zero, we shoot. See? Easy.”

Neku was still silent, and Joshua sighed as he walked over and, possibly a bit too forcefully, picked up the second revolver and shoved it haphazardly into Neku’s hands. He tried to keep an even stride as he returned to position, but faltered slightly when he almost tripped over his own foot. He caught himself before he could fall and lose his collected appearance, however, and instead turned on his heel to face his Proxy once more.

“Don’t… DON’T SCREW WITH ME, JOSHUA!”

Neku seemed to be on the verge of throwing the cold silver revolver. Using a bit of his power, Joshua kept him from moving his hands. 

He couldn’t give up now. Not after all of this. Not after all he had done to get this to fall into place.

“I assure you, I’m not.” Joshua had spoken up after a moment of uncomfortable, heavy silence. He shrugged, trying to appear indifferent to the situation. “Life’s little crossroads are often as simple as the pull of a trigger.”

Neku looked down to the gun in his hands, his eyes portraying his true feelings on the matter. 

He wouldn’t… throw away the shot, would he?

Just as soon as Joshua had seen the flicker of fear and betrayal, it vanished and was quickly replaced by a look of determination.

_ Now, this… _ Joshua mused, … _ was what I was hoping to see. _

“Neku…” Joshua spoke tauntingly, trying to spur the redhead’s anger further as he giggled. “Your face is priceless. Don’t you remember what Mr. Hanekoma told you?”

“I… I’m just…”

Joshua smirked at Neku’s lack of adequate response. 

“Oh, before I forget!” Joshua spoke as if he had just thought of this, but really, he was saving this for the last nail in his coffin. “I’ve collected your entry fee. Now…” Joshua spun the gun on his index finger lazily, mimicking someone playing Russian roulette. “…Let the Game begin.”

Neku froze in place, and from where he stood, Joshua could see why.

“Ten…”

A single drip, a small glittering droplet that collided with the stone floor and splashed as it impacted.

“Nine…”

More tears fell, and Joshua tried to breathe steadily as he watched them fall. Why was Neku crying? Joshua had killed him.

“Eight.”

No time to continue the slow dance. This had to happen.

“Seven.”

Neku looked down to the gun again, seemingly coming to a decision.

“Six.”

Quivering hands.

“Five.”

Neku’s arms started to lift. Joshua couldn’t fight off his widening smile.

“Four.”

His head lifted, and Joshua could seem the anger burning through them. 

_ Shoot me _ , he silently willed.

“Three.”

He saw a flicker.

“Two.”

The proxy’s arms began to lower.

“One.”

Neku’s gun clattered to the floor.

Joshua’s eyes widened.

His hand tightened.

…He realized his mistake too late to stop it.

Neku fell to the floor. Didn’t scream, didn’t cry out.

Joshua was frozen in place. Sanae approached him, his hand reaching out to Joshua’s shoulder. Joshua shrugged it off hurriedly, jumping away.

He shot him.

He shot Neku.

A small laugh, a misplaced laugh, bubbled from his throat. His eyes were growing blurred, and he blinked quickly to dismiss the tears before they spilled. He watched Neku’s head lift, staring up to him with pain, fear, and… 

Acceptance….?

…

…

…

Joshua’s mind was made up.

Gathering Shibuya’s Music in him, pooling it inside of him, he sent it crashing down on Neku. He saw his Proxy fading, shifting, disappearing into thin air.

Closing his eyes, he did the same for Shiki and Daisukenojo, flooding them with Music. He then turned his attention to the pin, which he knew contained the Soul of Raimu. 

They were alive again.

…And Joshua…

He was still alive.

Wordlessly, he turned to Sanae. His Producer seemed to understand, leaving the room with a small, quiet popping noise.

Joshua stared blankly to the place the barista had stood, his eyes blurring and distorting his view.

…He wasn’t dead.

…His plan… It  _ did _ fail.

Joshua sat down on the floor, sitting in the middle of the room with no energy to move. His knees were drawn up to his chest, and that was where he remained as everything came crashing down on him at once. 


	2. Holding On To You

When Neku opened his eyes, his head was swimming and the world was distorted.

Concrete below him, the chatter of passerby.

He lifted his head, looking around wearily. 

In that moment, everything rushed back.

The Game. Shiki. Beat. Rhyme. The gun-

…Joshua.

Joshua… He…

Neku couldn’t finish the thought. Words failed, thoughts failed, everything failed.

He failed.

As he moved to stand up, he couldn’t block out the noises of the people around him. They were crashing down on him, he was drowning in it all and he died, he died TWICE, and why was he back and why were they so loud and all of them were speaking and he couldn’t understand, never would, why Joshua brought him back because he’d lost and-

“…Why…”

The word slipped out quietly, followed by a small choked sob. His hands balled themselves into fists, his nails clawing into his palms sharply as he screamed.

  
  


**_“WHAT THE HELL!?”_ **

  
  


Everything went silent, only the sounds of his rapid, choking breaths between trying to stifle his sobbing. People were most definitely staring now, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

Joshua… Neku thought he had finally found someone, a  _ friend _ he could relate to, but in the end, it was a lie. Joshua had shot Neku. Twice, now. He was holding on to a person who had killed him. Despite everything, he still couldn’t shoot Joshua. 

…He trusted Joshua. 

The tears were cascading down. He was in the middle of the road, and if a car came, he wouldn’t care. Let it hit him, let him get hurt. He deserved it. He couldn’t… He couldn’t protect anyone. He was still the same stupid, naïve person as he was before the Game, he hadn’t changed at all, and he couldn’t even-

A hand on his arm, pulling him up and forcefully dragging him along with a vice grip. He tried to pull away, but the hand held him more tightly in response. Through blurred eyes, he caught a glimpse of pale skin.

The person leading him stopped, and Neku scrubbed at his eyes with the hand that wasn’t being held. 

“Are you okay?”

His hand was released, and it dropped to his side limply. Neku recognized the voice, knew why he knew it. He looked up, and his mind flashed with recognition. His brain was screaming out Shiki, but the voice was different. This was Eri.

Neku looked away, still trying to stop the tears from flowing down. They were standing near Hachikō, as he could tell from the dog statue that stood nearby. Eri moved back into his vision, her eyes conveying worry.

“Look, I don’t know what happened to you, but you really shouldn’t stop in the middle of the street.” Eri spoke up. “You could have been hit by a car.” 

“I wouldn’t care.” Neku muttered.

“What?!” 

Eri’s eyes widened, and her grip once again returned to Neku’s arm as if afraid he was about to sprint off into traffic.

“Again, I have  **_no_ ** idea what happened to you, but that is  **no way** to view your life!” Eri scolded him. “There have to be people here that would care if you disappeared! How do you think they would feel?!”

Shiki. Beat. Rhyme. 

Were… were they alive too?

Before he could think more into it, he felt arms around him.

“Don’t give up on everything just yet.” 

He heard Eri whisper this softly to him, speaking as if from experience.

“Life isn’t always going to go as expected, and a lot of bad things can and will happen. If you let the bad things define you, then you won’t have room to grow. A lot of bad things have happened to me, too, but I didn’t let them control me.” Eri took a breath before continuing. “Let the bad things drive you, not define you.” 

Neku’s head hurt from crying, his thoughts were a mess, but somehow, the thing that made the most sense in all of this was what Eri was saying.

“ _ … _ Thank you _. _ ”

Eri pulled away, suddenly reaching into her bag for something. After about three seconds of searching, she pulled out a package of pocket tissues, holding them out to Neku.

“No offense, but… You’re kinda a mess right now.”

“…Yeah, I expected that.” Neku had a small half smile on his lips as he took the tissues from Eri. “Thanks.”

“I’m Eri. What’s your name?”

This scene reminded him heavily of the first week, when he had run from Shiki.

Realizing that Eri was still looking for a response, he spoke up.

“…Neku.”

“Neku, huh? Cute name.”

Whether it was because Shiki had been imitating Eri those first few days or that Eri and Shiki were more alike than they thought, Neku was getting some serious déjà vu as he tried to make himself look more presentable.

Just as he finished, his phone buzzed. For a moment, he panicked, but then remembered he was back in the RG. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he flipped it open to see a message from his mother.

**_“Neku, come home right now. No arguing. If you’re not home within half an hour, I’m coming to get you.”_ **

Neku sighed, suddenly remembering that when he had… well,  **_died_ ** , he was a rude and abrasive person who blocked out everyone. His mother was no exception, so it made sense that she would act like this towards him. It was probably the only way she could think to get through to him.

“Eri, thanks for… you know, keeping me from getting hit by a car… and stuff…” This statement was  _ not _ going as he planned, but hey, nothing ever seemed to when you literally were just in a game of life and death. 

“I’m guessing you have to go?” Eri smiled knowingly, seemingly able to tell what Neku was trying to say.

“Yeah, my mother wants me to come home…” Neku sighed, attempting to give her back the package of tissues.

“You should probably keep those tissues with you, Neku. You never know when you might need them.” Eri laughed lightly, reaching up and patting Neku like he was a dog who had been good. She retracted her hand, still smiling. “You should also probably get going. Your phone went off on the walk over here too, so I’m sure she’s messaged you more than once.”

Neku turned back to his phone, seeing that Eri was partially right. Six messages, all reading a similar message but each one slightly more urgent than the last.

“See you around, Neku.”

When Neku looked up, Eri had turned towards 104 and disappeared into the crowd. Neku stared to the place he had seen her disappear, clearing his mind and remembering what he had to do.

“Well…” Neku murmured this softly, more to himself than anyone else. “It’s time to face my demons, isn’t it?”

He started to walk at a steady pace towards his home, his feet colliding quietly with the pavement amidst the chatter and sounds of the city. He glanced up to the 104 building momentarily, a small, uneasy smile playing on his lips.

“ _ …Right, Joshua? _ ”


	3. Ode To Sleep

Neku opened the door quietly, slipping through and closing it behind him. The second he turned around, however, his mother was standing there, staring him down. He froze for a moment, then took a step forward. Another step. Another.

Only three seconds passed before he launched himself at his mother, nearly causing her to fall back at the force of his violent hug.

“N-Neku?!”

“I’m sorry…”

Koharu Sakuraba was confused as she looked down to her only son. 

“Sorry for what…?”

She could feel Neku tense, knew in that instant that he was so much different than he was before as she felt something wet soak into her shirt. She exhaled softly, releasing a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding in as Neku spoke up again.

“E-everything.”

Koharu held her son out at a short length from her gently, looking him straight in the eyes. 

“It’s in the past, Neku.”

For the second time that day, Neku broke down.

**~+~**

Neku may have been tired, but while falling into bed was easy, falling  _ asleep _ was a different story. He couldn’t count the number of times he had flipped onto another side, hoping that his body would finally give up and let him go, but it seemed the darkness wasn’t willing to take him prisoner just yet. 

He hated having time to think. Thinking was dangerous, something that hurt him more than it helped when he had too much time to do it. He stared blankly at his hands, could feel the metal against them again, could feel the pain where he’d been shot again, and suddenly, his mind wouldn’t rest until he moved again and checked the spot where he’d known he had been. 

  
  


His mind froze as he saw it.

  
  


A small, round scar, slightly paler than the rest of his skin. He felt sick, his body suddenly deciding he wasn’t allowed to keep his dinner. He rushed to his bathroom, reaching it just in time. He felt the acidic burn against his throat, knew his eyes were watering, and he just curled up on the floor. Felt the cool pressure of the tile against his skin, felt himself shaking as he softly whimpered.

It was just a scar, right…?

Just… just a scar…

A scar that he’d gotten from getting shot because he didn’t want to hurt Joshua.

Joshua… he’d pushed the gun into Neku’s hands. He had forced that gun into Neku’s hands, expected Neku to aim it and-

_ Joshua can stop bullets. _

Neku laughed quietly, bitterly, at this thought. Joshua could stop bullets. What was the point of it all? Why would Joshua even start this bet if he knew he could win? Just to shoot him again? Just to throw it back in Neku’s face that he was still in charge here, always was, and that Neku was no more than a pawn to him?

_ …No _ , Neku reasoned with himself.  _ He wouldn’t do that without some other reason behind it… _

So, what was all of that? Why would Joshua have set himself up for that, even though he could easily win, no matter what happened?

And why in the  _ actual  _ **_HELL_ ** had he left the scar?

**~+~**

Joshua knew his Proxy wasn’t asleep, knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. 

He’d shot him, after all.

These words were still foreign to him, something about them screaming at him that he shouldn’t have done it, should have stopped, shouldn’t have messed with Neku, shouldn’t have even gotten INVOLVED with Neku again.

Sure, he’d shot him the first time to put him in the Game, no problem there. That was different. 

Then, he hadn’t known everything Neku had gone through in his absence. He hadn’t known the changes; he hadn’t known that Neku had started to block everyone out.

Three weeks ago, he hadn’t known how alike the two were.

Now, even the thought of a gun in his hands again made him want to smash himself to pieces and build himself up differently, build himself into a better person.

Tearing off his headphones, he set them next to him as he curled his legs up against his chest again. His hands tore at his hair, but unfortunately, it did no damage.

How could he have screwed up this badly? He could have set himself on fire and it would have gone much, much better than this. 

He thought he could handle being the Composer. He really, really did. But, overall, it would seem that it would always be the only thing he would never be able to handle.

Why did it have to be like this? Was this living free, or was this being a caged bird, stuck at the beck and call of a city that didn’t want him, didn’t know he was here? The city was all around him, always all around him, but he was still alone. He had given up his freedom to be anything more when he took up this job. He’d  _ chosen _ this hell for himself. There was no turning back, and the only way to escape would be to have someone undo him.

_ Neku _ was supposed to undo him.

…But he didn’t.

No matter how much Joshua had hurt him, had brought his hopes up to send them crashing down again, Neku had still lowered his gun.

Maybe, just a little over a week ago, things would have been different.  _ Neku _ would have been different.

Thinking back on it now, Joshua really should have done this last week.

He couldn’t stop the small laugh from bubbling up at that thought, and not even moments later, he was laughing, laughing as if he hadn’t failed, laughing as if he hadn’t shot the one person who hadn’t given up on him, laughing as if he weren’t the Composer. 

He was a complete mess. Neku had really, truly rubbed off on him.

Yeah, Joshua was definitely unhinged, but hey, that’s to be expected.

He did just shoot his childhood friend. 


	4. Migraine

Even though it was dark outside, Koharu was still awake, her drawing stylus in hand as she made a rough sketch, erasing a few lines where the pose seemed awkward. She was by no means a well-established artist, nor was she very good at making decent plotlines, but she was determined, and that was more than enough.

Her latest attempt at a doujinshi had been one that she was quite proud of, however, as she continued to draw out the pages. The story was the tale of a girl who could see timers above the heads of those who were living, all ticking down slowly to the day that they died. The timers could go down or up, depending upon the choices of the girl. Koharu wasn’t sure if this would interest anyone, but it was worth a try, wasn’t it? She had originally intended to write it, but this seemed more appealing.

Stretching out her hands to ease the strain they had been under whilst drawing for hours on end, she leaned back in her office chair. Koharu sighed, setting down the drawing tablet as she looked over work for mistakes. The draft layer was more accurate than it had been earlier, at the very least, and was now ready to have proper lines traced over it. Quickly saving her work, she closed out of her drawing program with a single tap of her pen.

As she stood up, she felt a bristle of unease. Her immediate thought is to check on Neku, and that’s what she does.

She gently opened the door to her son’s room, poking her head in noiselessly. She was quick to notice Neku wasn’t in bed, and she also noticed the faint glow of his bathroom light. The door had been left open, and she could hear soft breaths.

_ Another migraine _ , she realized.

As she entered the room, she moved towards the bathroom. Sure enough, Neku was asleep on the bathroom tile, just as she had found him many times before this. Cautiously, she picked Neku up so that he wouldn’t wake up. Carrying him from the bathroom, she laid him down on his bed carefully and covered him up. Going over to his closet, she plucked the stuffed fox Neku pretended he didn’t have from the shelf, then made her way back over to him before placing it next to him.

Upon leaving the room and returning with a lavender scented ice pack, she smiles softly as she sees Neku is hugging the fox tightly in his arms.

**~*~**

When Neku wakes up the next morning, he’s in his bed and there’s an ice pack draped over his forehead. For a moment, he wondered what had happened, but that was before he noticed the small marks in front of him. He attempted to reach out to the dark spots, but it seemed to do nothing as his hand was only overlapped by them. The light filtering through his window was even blocked slightly by the dots, and he blinked a few times. The spots took a moment to clear, and when they did, Neku moved to stand up. He swung his legs over the side of his bed, catching the ice pack before it fell to the carpet below. He set it down beside him, pushing himself to his feet.

Well, that was carpet, and that was most certainly going to hurt in a few moments.

Neku hissed quietly, massaging the spot where his cheek had scraped against his carpet the roughest to try and alleviate the small burning sensation. Why had he fallen? He knew he certainly hadn’t tripped. His room was too clean for that.

His head was foggy and disoriented, and when his mother came into the room to see what had happened, he was still on the floor.

“Neku, are you okay?”

Neku tried to speak, but no, his vocal chords weren’t having it. Sighing, he faceplants into the carpet and lifted a hand.

[Probably. Not sure.]

Koharu’s hands were cold against his skin as she lifted him up, then sat him against his bed. Her hand pressed against his forehead, and Neku shivered involuntarily at how frigid her hands were in contrast to his skin. His mother sighed as she retracted her hand, gently moving her son back up onto his bed.

“You’re staying in bed today, Neku. Don’t argue, please.”

Neku was about to raise his hand to protest, but the twisting, sharp pain behind his eyes made him hiss as his mother pushed him down against his pillows and placed the ice pack over his eyes. He felt his blanket cover him, heard the quiet noise of the shades being drawn, and then receding footsteps. He shut his eyes tightly, breathing in, breathing out.

After a moment, the footsteps returned. His mother made her presence known, handed him a few tension headache relief pills and a glass of water, then shut the door as she left. Neku swallowed the pills with a little difficulty, then settled down beneath his blanket. Beside him, Neku noticed, his mother had also placed the small stuffed fox he had held on to since he was six (hidden from his mother, of course, but how had she found it?). At this very moment, he simply latched on to it and held it close to his chest, his hands occasionally running against its soft surface for reassurance that it was still there.

By the time Neku had fallen asleep again, a pair of eyes were watching him warily.

**~*~**

Hours (or was it minutes? Neku didn’t know for sure) had passed between when Neku had fallen asleep and when he had woken up, now migraine-free from what he could tell. He could hear a soft humming, some kind of song, but his headphones weren’t nearby. Opening his eyes, he shrugged off the ice pack from over his eyes before looking around. His door was closed fully, not left open even the slightest. He cautiously sat up, then immediately screeched in surprise.

Perched atop his desk was a tall man, one wearing a button up dress shirt and black khakis. The man waved, signaling a greeting to Neku as said teen stared back blankly.

“ _ How did you get in here? _ ” He hissed.

“Window.” The man stated matter-of-factly.

“What. The. Hell.”

“Language, Sakuraba.”

How this man knew his name was beyond him. For the first time, Neku noticed the faint glow coming off of the man’s body, the simple color fading lightly.

“Who even are you?”

Neku moved backwards, pressing himself against his headboard warily.

“I’m not here for idle chitchat, Sakuraba.”

“Then why  _ ARE _ you here?”

“To apologize to you for the actions of your territory’s Composer.”

That sunk in quickly, then dug into him like another bullet had just been shot at him.

“W…” Neku swallowed hard. “What?”

“The actions of your territory’s Composer were unwarranted, and, quite frankly, disallowed by the rules of his superiors. For this negligence on our part, we apologize for any inconveniences or pain he may have caused to you or your mental state.”

Neku stopped, blinking twice. Territory’s…. Composer?

...Oh.

Joshua.

So Joshua has superiors? And the Game’s situation wasn’t allowed by them? And now the  _ superiors  _ were apologizing to him for  _ this  _ instead of Josh?

This all struck him as a huge joke.

“Alright, fine, wherever Joshua is, he can come out. This isn’t even  _ funny _ .” Neku deadpanned.

“I assure you, Sakuraba, this is no joke.” The man spoke coolly. His tone set Neku on edge.

“What even are you?”

“A member of the Higher Planes.”

“Higher Planes?”

“That is none of your concern.”

Yeah, Neku was too tired for this stupidity.

“Any specific reason you decided to come barging in here like this? Isn’t it, I don’t know,  _ AN INVASION OF PRIVACY _ ?!”

“Perhaps, but I made certain I arrived at a time that you would not be changing or doing anything compromising.”

“Just- “Neku huffed in frustration, running his hand through his hair. “Who the hell do you think you are, coming in here, supposedly  _ APOLOGIZING _ for  _ his _ actions?!”

“I don’t see why your anger is directed at me.”

“Hm, I don’t know, maybe because  **_you’re in my room, in my house, and you are a complete stranger who said he came in through the window, which I keep locked at all times_ ** !?” Neku growled.

“If you would like me to leave- “

“ **Get out** .”

That low snarl was heeded by the man, who promptly shrugged, then vanished into thin air. In his wake, a single small white feather drifted down to the floor lazily.

Neku looked to it in confusion, his eyes running over it. Hesitantly, he pulled himself away from the wall, sliding off of his bed. Making sure his feet were firmly on the floor and that he wasn’t about to get carpet burn for the second time today, he cautiously stepped towards the feather.

Leaning down to pick it up, he felt a jolt as his fingers made contact. The feather fell to the floor again as Neku looked to his right hand in alarm, expecting to find some kind of burn mark there. Nothing but the same pale skin.

Against his better judgement, his hand once again reached down for the feather. This time, there was no shock, no weird electricity. He lightly traced along the soft barbs of the pristine white object, feeling the soft bristling feeling against his fingertips. This, he knew from his schoolwork, was a wing feather. From what, though, he wasn’t quite certain, as it was far too long to be from a bird.

Standing up, he set it down on his desk with caution as his head filled with questions, all boiling down to one thing.

Who or  _ what _ are the Higher Planes, and what do they have to do with Joshua?


	5. The Run and Go

As the Angel ascended into the Higher Planes again after his meeting with Neku Sakuraba, he was greeted with many hurried, pitying glances. He looked back to each in confusion as he headed towards his home. 

“ **_Ezekiel Crest.”_ **

The Angel jumped, rapidly turning at the harsh sound of his name being spoken. He shivered, feeling the cold glare of the woman in front of him.

He remained silent, knowing that he was most certainly in quite a bit of trouble for his actions.

“ **_Do my words hold no face value to you? When I say that no one is to interact with someone,_ ** **_you are not to interact with them_ ** _.  _ **_Were my words not spoken clearly to all of you?”_ **

Ezekiel, remembering his position, knelt beneath the woman as she huffed in irritation. The Master of Games was a harsh member of the Higher Council, and was in charge of managing Games everywhere. When she spoke, one was expected to listen and heed her words. However, in this case, Ezekiel was very much guilty of disobeying direct orders.

“I apologize, Miss. I felt that it may be possible, after his growth in the Games, to attempt to reconcile with him as to not further spur his anger, but- “

“ **_And did I not warn all of you that Sakuraba Neku was resilient and untrusting towards those he does not know? Because of your actions, you know what awaits you._ ** ”

Ezekiel nodded, his head still angled downwards. Despite this, he could sense the difference in his superior’s Music, could feel her anger and frustration.

“ **_You are to go to your room, and you will not leave until you have realized the full scope of your actions. Do I make myself clear?_ ** ”

A silent, quick nod, and he stood quickly before bowing and turning back towards his room.

As she watched Ezekiel retreat, she turned to those who had chosen to watch the interaction.

“ **_Return to your duties._ ** ” 

When she spoke, all bystanders turned back to what they were doing. She frowned, lowering her frequency as she shifted down into the Underground. Her size shrunk considerably, and she made sure that her wings were concealed before she entered what she knew Shibuya called the Dead God’s Pad. She held her notes in hand, knowing that she would need to keep these close at hand to prevent herself from veering off topic.

Yes, Rowena Morningstar was not the most focused Angel, but she was one of the strictest. Brushing ash blonde hair behind her shoulder, she pushed open the door to the Trail of the Judged. As her shoes clicked against the pavement beneath her, she glanced to the walls. They were covered by graffiti. 

_ Most likely the work of Hanekoma Sanae _ , she noted.

She may have been born in America, but she still commonly used the last name before first name rule when referring to those here in Japan. It was second nature for her, and occasionally, she would refer to her subordinates in this way as well. 

As she reached the other end of the hall, she checked her appearance quickly before entering the Room of Reckoning. As she pushed open the door, she quickly ducked as a knife was thrown. It dug into the wall just where she had been, and she tried her best not to shiver.

“Shibuya, if you could perhaps leave your knife throwing tendencies for when you know there is no one who could be harmed by the act, that would be for the best.” 

She glanced up, seeing the Composer lazily sitting in his throne. He had light orange headphones plastered over his ears, and it was quite obvious that he hadn’t heard her approach. His knees were curled up against his chest, his forehead buried between them. From here, she could hear the unbalanced Music, the discordant notes. She tried again, this time speaking louder.

“Shibuya.” 

No response whatsoever. She sighed, running her hand through her hair in irritation. As a last resort, she gathered up power before Imprinting onto him.

**_“Shibuya.”_ **

She saw him jump, heard the small, sharp intake of breath. She watched as he slipped the headphones down around his neck, lifting his head and looking down. He spotted her, and, with a wry smile, she waved to him. 

“Hello, Kiryu Yoshiya.” She spoke formally. She saw the grimace at the name, but ignored it. “Would you care to tell me what was going through your head over the last four weeks? There were no reports filed, the Game ran for three weeks straight with no intervals between them, and I was told that you chose a Proxy, which you know is  _ strictly  _ against our rules.”

The Composer remained silent. She saw him attempt to speak, but it seemed as though he could say no words for his actions. Sighing, she raised a hand to tell him to cease his attempts.

“If you so wish, you may speak to me using sign language instead. I am aware of your… condition.”

She saw a flicker of an emotion, but it was gone before Rowena could decipher it. She heard him sigh, saw him lift his hand, then observed closely as he signed out his words.

[I ask that you call me Joshua instead. The formal tone is unnecessary, and I can tell you don’t like using it.]

Although she was surprised that he could identify as much, Rowena nodded.

“Alright, Joshua. Would you please explain to me why you assumed your actions over the last month were acceptable?”

At this, Joshua’s hand dropped to his side. He seemed to be thinking of a response, and despite her attempts to see into his mind, she was unable to reach him.

After a few moments, Joshua raised his hand again.

[Shibuya was breaking, in the beginning stages of becoming a dead zone. I did what I thought was necessary to revive and protect it.]

“And you thought that breaking the rules we put in place would do that?”

Rowena tried to keep her voice tone level, but it was to quite honestly no avail as her frustration showed through.

[Rules are made to be broken, dear.]

Rowena made a small noise, held back a swear, and took a deep breath. As much as she hated to admit it, she held a soft spot for Shibuya, no matter how much of a… unholy mess he could be to handle. How one fifteen year old boy could be so abrasive and so even toned at the same time, she wasn’t sure.

“You are aware that your actions have consequences, correct?”

[Yes, I am very much aware of that.]

“You’re being put under restraints, meaning you will only maintain a third of your power. Hanekoma Sanae, for his actions, is now officially marked as a Fallen. He is to continue to serve as your Producer, however.” 

[What, couldn’t find anyone else who was willing to put up with me?]

“No, it is simply that he seems to be the only one capable of keeping you at least somewhat in line.”

[Yeah, I get it. No one likes me, all of that stuff. Got it.]

“Your Proxy seems to have taken a liking to you.”

Joshua’s hands froze for a moment, and Rowena watched in confusion as his lips turned downwards into a frown.

[I shot him, you know.]

“I’m aware that you left your throne to go to Udagawa with a- “

[I shot him twice.]

“…what?”

Joshua’s cold laughter echoed around the room, his eyes not matching the sound. 

[I shot him twice. He trusted me, and I shot him. I killed him again.]

His hands were shaking, but he stood up on the throne. Seeing he held no weapons or anything he could aim directly at her, Rowena looked back with a memory, something she had seen as a child, something SHE had done. 

Joshua’s expression was deranged, and she knew what was coming before it happened. His wings expanded, his violet eyes staring her down violently, and suddenly, she was very, very afraid. The discord, the notes drifting out at an unsteady tempo, the measures drifting between eighth and sixteenth notes rapidly with high, sharp notes, the song that would make Shibuya a living hell. 

_ Forgive me, Joshua. _

Energy pushed out of her, an invisible wave of power that was her last resort.

In moments, the song had stopped, Joshua’s eyes had closed, and he was falling. Pushing herself off of the ground, she expanded her wings as she dove upwards to catch him. As he landed firmly in her arms, she lowered herself to the concrete. Her heels hit the floor with a soft click, and she glanced over the unconscious teen’s expression. 

At the rate he was going, he would end up Erasing himself. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, Rowena knew Shibuya wouldn’t be able to handle the strain.

Sighing, Rowena carried him towards his room. As she placed him in his bed, she pulled out her cell phone and began scrolling through her contacts. Finding the number she was looking for, she dialed it. The phone was answered on the second ring.

“Hello?”

Sanae’s voice on the other end was slightly shaken up, and she could tell that he had felt the disturbance.

“I suggest you watch over your Composer, Hanekoma Sanae. At the rate he’s going, he will end up getting himself Erased.” 

“U-understood, miss.”

She hung up the phone abruptly, glancing down to Yoshiya one more time before she shifted back into the Higher Planes. 

This, she knew, had to be reported. If this were allowed to continue… 

It was possible the Underground could collapse.


	6. Never Know

Neku never realized before this just how much the Game had done for him. Now, as he holds up his phone and types a response to Shiki’s message, he smiles widely. Shiki’s setting up a time for them all to meet at Hachiko, and Neku fondly looks back at the memory of telling Shiki in that first week that he would meet her there when he came back.

Now, Neku hits the send button on his phone and waits. The reply comes about a minute later.

_ Shiki, 10:37: _

**_12 sounds good neku, ill tell beat and rhyme_ **

_ Neku 10:39: _

**_i can’t wait to see you. i’ll look forward to saturday, then_ **

Neku doesn’t get a reply, but he doesn’t mind. He’s glad he’s in his room, because he starts flailing in excitement. He rolls over into his pillow, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm himself down.

Something odd he’d realized he could do was know when someone was approaching. There was a quiet humming coming off of everyone now, and he knew for a fact that he hadn’t heard it during or before the Game.

Neku recognized the familiar hum of his mother, and sat up on the edge of his bed. He looked towards the door, crossing one leg over his knee and lifted his hand to his chin in a flamboyant pose as he looked forwards at the door. As expected, his mother knocked before poking her head in.

She was about to speak, saw the pose Neku was in, and stopped. A few moments pass, and then she’s laughing. Neku feels a swell of pride, glad that he made her happy as she covers a mouth to stifle her giggles.

“D-dinner’s ready, y-you dork.” She manages, and Neku grins back at her.

“Alright. Just give me about a minute, alright?”

She nods and ducks out of the room, still laughing slightly.

That was another change that had come with the Game’s end; he could now communicate with his mother. Whether it had been the Game’s changes to his personality or the fact that Neku just wasn’t the same person he had been three weeks ago, he was glad for it.

It seemed to Neku as though he were walking on air as he set his phone down on his nightstand and stood up. Nothing could ruin the mood he was in, and it seemed as if every part of the city was bleeding happiness out. When he had been out earlier, he could see almost nothing but smiles, and those with downcast looks suddenly seemed determined and happy when he passed. Now, as he headed towards the kitchen, he couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off of his lips.

From here, he could already smell the ramen, and with that, he swiftly made his way to the table.

**~*~**

As Sanae watched over Joshua, he briefly wondered when he would wake up. It had been almost three days since the phone call, and whether it was that his time spent in the RG had caught up with him, that he was simply deciding to sleep more, or that something was physically wrong with him, the barista was unsure. He only knew that the Master of Games had done this to protect him, and that Joshua was unstable. His mind wandered, not for the first time, back to when he had first met Joshua.

__

_ Joshua had been ten years old at the time, and, unfortunately, blocked on all sides by Noise. The first thing that Sanae had noted was that he seemed to be aware that the Noise were there, and seemed resigned to the thought that he couldn’t do anything. It was until Sanae had been watching him through the window and seen him fall and not get up right after that he finally walked outside and brought him in. _

_ Noting that Joshua was actually unconscious, he’d set him down on the couch in front of the window before shooing the Noise that waited at the door. He turned back to Joshua, seeing that the young boy had various small bruises and cuts on his arms and face. Sighing, Sanae headed to the back room to grab band aids and returned not too long after with them. Josh was still out, and briefly, Sanae wondered just what had happened. The Noise were drawn to this one like moths to a flame, and that was unusual for an RG child. _

_ Sanae was cautious as he put band aids over the small cuts, and, after glancing around briefly, used a bit of Imagination to make the bruises fade out. After that, it was just a waiting game of about three minutes before disoriented… _

_...Violet eyes? _

_ Sanae was startled by the unexpected color, but kept his calm appearance. Joshua was looking back at him tiredly, and then with fear. On instinct, Sanae attempted to Imprint for Joshua to remain calm, but Joshua’s fear flickered to something akin to slight irritation. _

_ “Whatever you’re trying to put in my mind, it’s not going to work.” _

_ And in that moment, Sanae knew that this was DEFINITELY going to be an interesting day. _

_ “It’s called Imprinting.” _

_ “Yeah, that.” Joshua spoke in resignation as he sat up. “It doesn’t work on me for some reason.” _

_ This kid was certainly different. _

_ “My name’s Sanae Hanekoma, but you can call me Mr. H if you want. What’s your name?” Sanae spoke, not unkindly. _

_ The kid seemed confused by the gesture, but answered, “Yoshiya Kiryu, but I prefer to be called Joshua.” _

_ “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” Sanae spoke up. _

_ “Eh, the usual.” Joshua waved dismissively, a small misplaced laugh leaving his lips. “A few weird creatures following me, people not putting up with my attitude, etcetera.” _

_ "Weird creatures, huh…?” Sanae echoed. “What did they look like?” _

_ At this, Joshua went completely silent, only staring down at his hands. Sanae could very faintly hear the thoughts echoing from him. _

**_‘I can’t tell him. He’d just think I’m crazy. Everyone else does, too, so why would he be any different?’_ **

_ Sanae realized in that moment that it was possible this kid had gone through a lot more than he should of, had SEEN a lot more than he should have. He seemed to be wary around him, which was unusual for a child his age. Some part of him felt the need to reassure him that he was fine, and that was what he chose to do. _

_ “I’m not going to think you’re crazy, kid. I’m just looking for some confirmation about something I’m thinking about is all.” _

_ Josh looked back at him curiously, as if searching his expression for some trace that he was lying. He seemed to hesitate momentarily, most likely thinking, and then he took a deep breath before speaking up quietly. _

_ “They… they look sort of like animals, but… not exactly? They have wings and stuff, and…” _

_ Joshua trailed off, glancing up to Sanae hurriedly for a moment, then looking down again. _

_ “…They look like they have graffitied designs on them, and some resemble monsters to some extent?” Sanae attempted to finish. _

_ Joshua only nodded in response. _

_ “Have you been seeing anything else? People appearing and disappearing, people with wings, or-“ _

_ “You mean people with wings other than you…?” _

_ Sanae froze. The question itself was innocent enough, but for this kid to be able to see them when he wasn’t even in the UG or the Higher Planes… _

_ “Y-yeah.” Sanae ran a hand through his hair nervously. _

_ Joshua’s head tilted as he voiced a question. “Am I not supposed to be able to see them?” _

_ Sanae, unsure of how to answer, only nodded and glanced away. _

_ It was silent between them, and it was unbroken until Joshua spoke up after about thirty seconds. _

_ “…sorry.” _

_ Sanae looked back to Joshua in confusion, seeing the younger child looking down at his hands with a look that the barista couldn’t quite decipher, something somewhere between fear, nervousness, and… regret? _

_ “What are you sorry for? You haven’t done anything.” _

_ “I’m still here wasting your time, aren’t I…?” Joshua spoke up. _

_ Yep, Joshua definitely had some problems that needed to be sorted out. _

_ “You’re not wasting my time, Joshua.” Sanae responded almost instantly. At Joshua’s disbelieving glance, he added, “I’m being honest here.” _

_ Joshua sighed, looking away. _

_ “Look, I don’t know what’s going on for you right now, but what I DO know is that somehow, you’re seeing the UG from the RG. That’s unusual for a person who isn’t dead.” _

_ Joshua’s gaze immediately snapped back to Sanae. _

_ “RG and UG…? And what do you mean, ‘a person who isn’t dead’?!” _

_ “Realground and Underground. They’re different planes, stacked on top of each other. People in the RG can’t see the UG usually unless they’re involved in the UG, and people who ARE involved in the UG are all dead.” _

_ “…Oh.” That small noise was followed by a small giggle. “That would at least explain why that guy I saw get hit by a car suddenly was walking around again with wings.” _

_ This kid’s sense of humor was slightly skewed, but hey, a person who sees things everyone else doesn’t probably would be. _

_ “Ah, yeah, that. Are you seeing people with black wings too? Not feathery ones like mine, but black and kinda metallic looking?” _

_ “Yeah, that guy had them. Why?” _

_ It seemed like Joshua was finally starting to open up without issue. He was looking up Sanae in interest, and Sanae held the same interest for him. _

_ “Those are Reapers. They run the Game for the most part.” _

_ “The… Game?” _

_ Sanae chuckled lightly at Joshua’s interest. “The Reaper’s Game. It’s a game where people who’ve died have to complete missions, so they can come back to life. It’s… not exactly the most pleasant things, either.” Sanae sighed, speaking quieter. “Not everyone returns.” _

_ “I see. There’s one mission per day, and the Reapers assign those, right…?” Joshua spoke up. “There were these people who were constantly with each other and talking about the Game, but no one else could see them or hear them...” _

_ “Those are Players. People who have died who are playing the Game.” _

_ Joshua nodded, showing he understood. “And those black Noise I saw earlier? Are they-” _

_ Sanae froze, and Joshua shivered and quickly looked out the window. _

_ “Joshua, stay here. I’ll be right back.” _

_ Joshua nodded as Sanae stood up, then quickly left the building. _

_ That was the day that the Taboo Noise had first been discovered in Shibuya, the result of the previous Composer having gone rogue and started killing her own Reapers. _

“…dad?”

Mr. Hanekoma was startled by the sudden voice of Joshua speaking up, and his eyes met violet ones. He realized he had jumped slightly, and he huffed as Joshua giggled.

“Lost in thought, dear?”

“…Maybe.”

“So, odd question… What happened, exactly?”

Joshua had sat up with his legs crossed in front of him, looking to Sanae and fully expecting an answer.

“The Master of Games decided you needed to rest for a bit, and a bit turned into three days.”

Joshua looked down, seemingly trying to run that situation over in his head a few times, and Sanae noticed him shiver slightly.

“I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it, J. I probably should’ve been more watchful of you.” Sanae spoke dismissively.

“Anything come up while I was asleep?”

“No, the Reapers are relatively quiet. The Higher Planes decided that we should hold off on any Games until the end of the month so that the Reapers have time to recover.”

Josh unfolded his legs, putting them over the side of his bed and swinging them childishly. “Alright then. I’m guessing the Reapers don’t know yet?”

“I was assuming you’d probably want to inform them. Higher control and all that.”

“Yeah, I’ll send out the mass message.”

Joshua pulled out his phone, scrolling through and typing in the message.

Things would probably be fine, right? Joshua probably just needed a long nap, and he’d be back to normal.

**~*~**

Sanae had left, probably to check back on the café, and Joshua was alone again. He hated the silence that clung in the air, but didn’t want to reach out to Shibuya for fear of hurting Her again. Joshua didn’t want to admit it, but he DID dream while he was asleep. Or, rather, had nightmares in place of typical dreams.

They were vivid ones, too, which was even worse.

His fears were invading his dreams now, his fears that Neku would remember, would  _ actually _ remember the last time that they had interacted while either was alive. Neku might not be able to handle knowing everything that Joshua had done to him. He knew that Neku still had the nightmares, even if he couldn’t remember whose body had been in that apartment that day.

It would be more than enough nightmare fuel if it had just been a random person, but no. No, it had been a person that… well, Joshua wasn’t sure if Neku actually cared about him. He had seemed distraught over Joshua’s death, and Joshua had seen Neku’s emotional breakdown even after he couldn’t remember who had died, but he was still unsure.

Joshua could feel tears starting to prick up, but he suppressed them. He couldn’t hurt Shibuya.

“Keep it together, keep it together…” he whispered, scolding himself as he closed his eyes and took a few steadying breaths.

_ Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out… _

“Hold it back and in, and it won’t hurt anyone.  _ You _ won’t hurt anyone…”

To Joshua, he was his own worst enemy.

Better to face facts now than wait and get others hurt because of him.


	7. Screen

Neku was basically walking on clouds as he waved goodbye to his mother, then headed out the door. There was a familiar beat playing in his headphones, an exuberant spring in his step, and a bright smile on his lips that wouldn’t disappear. As he weaved around the people in Shibuya, he noticed that a lot of them seemed to be frowning until he passed. It was weird, yeah, but he wasn’t about to complain. Things were finally going back to normal, and hell yeah, he was glad for that.

The last month had happened, had definitely happened, but he wasn’t about to let that hold him back from changing and learning. The world ends at his borders, after all, and if he’s living his life afraid, he’ll miss the best part. 

A little bit of negativity seemed to slip in, a little seed of doubt. What if something bad happened? What if he…

No, stop. Focus on the good, and everything will be fine. That little bit of doubt was crushed under the optimistic mood Neku was in, and he would keep it that way. His smile widened a little bit as his feet moved on autopilot towards Udagawa, tracing out the way without issue and arriving after about five more minutes of walking. Yeah, it was the place he died, and yeah, a lot had happened since then. He wasn’t the same antisocial shut-in that he used to be. Not for the first time, he remembered everything the Game had given him.

His hands were running along a railing as he approached the CAT mural, and his hands felt along the rough surface of the spray paint. Neku’s fingers traced a particularly smooth part of the paint, his fingertip running along it a few more times. He stared up at this spot, his thoughts turning through his head absently.

_ Same streets… Same crowds too. Yeah, Shibuya hasn’t changed a bit. _

Neku sighed, his smile falling slightly.

“But still, I don’t think I can forgive you just yet...” He whispered softly.

He turned away from the wall. If Joshua could hear him… Well, he had to try.

“You might not see it, but… those few weeks were very hard for me. Learning to trust people, having that trust broken…” Neku murmured. “Finding out the town I pegged as small, and stifling, and empty… wasn’t any of those things.”

Neku thought back to those weeks, the things that were said, the ways he, Shiki, Beat, Rhyme… Even Joshua, had made an impact just as five people. 

“I’m glad I met you guys. You made me…pick up on things, I probably would’ve just gone on ignoring.” 

Neku remembered having things go wrong, having people to help him through it. People he could trust.

He was now headed down through Tipsy Tose Hall, nearing the AMX. Vaguely, he remembered Joshua’s pestering attitude towards him when he had traveled this way in the second week, and he couldn’t stop the small laugh from coming up.

“Trust your partner…and I do.” He smiled lightly as he spoke, a barely noticeable smile that conveyed too many emotions to count. “I can’t forgive you, but I trust you.”

He was almost to Center Street now, and from there, his destination was only a Scramble Crossing away.

“You took care of things, right?” Neku added, more of an afterthought than anything else. “Otherwise, Shibuya would be gone, and my world with it.”

Neku idled at the crosswalk’s edge, waiting for the walk signal. His mind suddenly stopped on something, and he had to suppress a small chuckle as he started across the street and towards the famous statue, the very same statue where everything had REALLY begun.

“Hey, did I mention I’ve got friends now?” Neku spoke up. “We’re meeting for the first time in a week.”

Neku knew that this might not be heard, knew that even if it was, Joshua might not heed it, and yet, he spoke up quietly.

“See you there…?”

**~*~**

Joshua wasn’t sure how to respond. 

It was a flat out invitation, one that Neku had extended to the person who shot him. 

…Joshua really must have affected his mental state more than he thought. 

Joshua shifted himself so that it wasn’t as uncomfortable to be standing in his Composer form on the edge of the 104 building, even though he was already uncomfortable because he was basically stalking his... friend. Neku had reached Hachiko, and Joshua could feel the shift in energy that Shibuya gave off when Neku saw Beat and Rhyme. The younger sibling waved him over, and Beat was holding his skateboard under his arm and smiling back at him. About a minute after Neku arrived, Shiki approached. She tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned to look back at-

Joshua shivered, feeling a familiar presence beside him. He looked down to his left, seeing Sanae sitting on the ledge and giving him a sidelong glance with a bemused smile. 

“Hey, boss.”

Sighing, Joshua gave a short wave silently.

“What? You seem down.”

Joshua’s gaze flickered back to Neku and his friends, his expression falling slightly. Sanae followed his gaze, and he clicked in disapproval.

“Hey, it’s their world. They get to decide what to do with it. We just- “

Joshua wasn’t about to stick around to hear this lecture. He flickered slightly, and he focused on reappearing in the Room of Reckoning.

_ “Some folks just don’t take no for an answer…” _

**~*~**

There was a lot of laughter, a lot of bad jokes, and possibly too much ramen eaten on Beat’s part that day. The only thing that was missing… Was Joshua. Even as Neku parted ways with Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme, his thoughts wandered back to him. Had he not heard the invitation…? 

Or, had he heard, and simply chosen to ignore it…?

Neku wasn’t sure either way what exactly had been the reasoning behind Joshua’s disa…ppearance…?

Disappearance.

That wasn’t the right word. 

It  _ definitely _ wasn’t the right word.

Whatever part of his mind was telling him this, he wasn’t sure. The thought had emerged from  _ somewhere _ , he knew, and he briefly glanced around as if to see if any Players or Reapers were in the area. Seeing none, he scowled.

Neku realized he had stopped, and he continued off towards his home. No matter how much he tried to remember what his mind was trying to tell him, it would slip out of grasp, the memory no more than water between cupped hands. 

…memory?

Okay, now his brain was just supplying random words in an attempt to fit.

…Wasn’t it?

Neku suddenly felt annoyed, his inner turmoil over what he was trying to think about only having given him a feeling as though he were forgetting some huge piece of the puzzle. As he unlocked the front door and headed inside, he waved quietly to his mother, headed to his room, flopped into his bed, and screeched in frustration into his mattress.

He heard the door open quietly, and he knew without looking that his mother had poked her head in.

“Is everything okay, Neku…?”

Rolling over onto his side, he looked back at her.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Sorry, I just feel like I’m forgetting something.”

“Forgetting something?” His mother questioned. Her voice tone displayed… some kind of hope?

“Yeah…?” 

Neku must have made a face or something, because his mother sighed. 

“If you need help figuring it out, just tell me, alright? My door is always open.”

“Don’t you usually have it closed while you’re working?” Neku joked.

“In a figurative sense.” His mother laughed a bit, ducking out of the room and closing the door behind her. 

Silence hung in the air, and Neku flopped over onto his back, staring absently at the ceiling in thought. He hadn’t just been imagining that he was forgetting something, had he…? 

No, it just didn’t seem reasonable.

Unless…

…Unless Josh didn’t give it all back.

…

…

…

“He wouldn’t.” Neku hissed. “He totally wouldn’t.”

Neku sat up, and he was instantly on his way out of his bedroom. He didn’t care that his mother gave him a glance of confusion from inside of her office as he said a, ‘I’ll be back later,’ as he quickly shoved his feet into his shoes. He didn’t even bother with making sure the Velcro was in place properly before he dove out the door, closing it a little more forcibly than intended. 

He was heading across town at a quick pace, past people who seemed as frustrated as he was. 

Not today, not today, not today. Not doing this today, not putting up with this bullshit today, no thanks life, not today-

Neku huffed, running a hand through his hair as he walked. He weaved through the usual crowd of people in the Scramble, dodged a person looking down at their phone instead of where they were going, and then walked along the edge of the sidewalk. He edged around the barrier between the street and the wall, then stepped out around the unusually irritated crowd that seemed to spread apart as he walked through the bus terminal. He scowled as he headed into the station underpass, the amount of annoyance uplifted as he stared at the barrier that was up. Said barrier wasn’t blocked by any Noise this time, but just the sight of it seemed to annoy him. 

Rolling his eyes at Joshua’s lack of security, he looked around. No one was in the area, as usual. His eyes lazily trailed back to the barrier as he moved forwards, and his hand reached out to the thin wall.

He felt a small shock, and then it suddenly felt like his body was on fire. He felt something cold against his skin, could faintly smell a musty scent, but couldn’t see. He noticed his breathing had grown heavy, and he tried to regulate that as he closed his eyes and tried to clear his head of the static that slowed his thought process.

_ Wake up, leave your hesitation. _

_ Wake up, time for us to realize. _

_ Wake up, show appreciation. _

_ Wake up, time for us to realize. _

He could actually hear the music faintly coming through his headphones now, and he focused on that as his head cleared. When he thought he was ready, he pulled himself up from-

Well, at least he crossed over the barrier right. 

That was a reckless move on his part, still.

Now, he had two goals in mind: getting answers, and finding out just what the hell Josh had done that made that hurt so much this time. 

He brushed himself off momentarily, and then set off down the Trail of the Sinner. The same irritation that had settled a bit earlier came back full force, and he turned his music up to a loud tone to drown out the sounds of his footsteps. 

He felt the anger starting to try and swallow him, but he suppressed it. He knew if he got too angry, someone might end up dead.

…

Aaand there’s even more anger and confusion. 

Neku only let out a noise of frustration and kept walking, his pace quickening. As he slammed through the doors of the Dead God’s Pad, he glanced around to see it completely empty. Half of his mind expected Joshua to appear out of nowhere, say some cryptic bullshit, then disappear for three more years like before-

Wait, no, that didn’t-

“No, that did happen.”

Neku’s subconscious whisper was barely heard, even by himself as he headed towards the Room of Reckoning. 

He wasn’t expecting to face his own inner demons so damn soon, not when he had just had one of the best days of his life. Even with his headphones plastered over his ears, he could hear another melody, a grinding, twisting one that, if not for the faint piano notes, wouldn’t even be qualified as Music in his mind. It took Neku only three minutes of trying his best to ignore Mr. Hanekoma’s artwork before he was standing outside the door to the Room of Reckoning.

Neku hesitated for the first time since he’d stormed over here. Was he really about to do this?

…

Hell yeah he was. 

Ignoring the memories that tried to resurface, he pushed open the door.

Time slowed, then froze. 


	8. Bleak December

A large mix of emotions were coursing through Neku as he rushed forwards, slapped the knife out of Joshua’s hand, slapped the blonde across the face, then locked him in an embrace that was way, way too tight, but he didn’t care. 

“What in the FUCK were you thinking?!” Neku hissed. 

Only a few moments ago, Neku had been very, very, annoyed with his blonde friend, but now he was just terrified for Joshua’s wellbeing. 

“N….” 

A small noise from Joshua, an unfinished word. Neku didn’t respond to it other than to bury his head into Joshua’s shoulder. 

“…Neku…?” 

He was all but certain that Joshua’s blood was on his clothing right now, but hell, he would get as much blood on his clothing as was necessary if it meant that Joshua stopped hurting himself. 

“Yes, hi, my name is Neku and I will beat your ass if you ever do that again.” 

Neku said that completely seriously, but it still earned a small giggle from Joshua. Neku came relatively close to cracking a smile as well, but then remembered what he had just seen Joshua doing. 

“I’m serious, Josh. Don’t do this to yourself.” Neku scolded him, holding him out at arm’s length and looking him directly in the eyes. “I don’t know what the hell is going through your head, but no. Bad Josh.” 

“What am I, a dog?” Joshua pouted, trying to squirm away. 

Neku’s hands dug into Joshua’s shoulders, stopping the (oddly) weaker blonde from moving backwards further. 

“No, you’re clearly not a dog. You don’t listen well, do you?” Neku’s voice dripped with sarcasm as he exhaled in frustration. 

“Neku, could you let go? That’s starting to hurt, dear.” 

“I’m not letting go, you ass. Knowing you, the second I let you go you’re going to do some teleporting bullshit and disappear on me just to keep doing this to yourself, so no.” 

Joshua glanced away, and Neku glanced down at his former partner’s legs to inspect the damage. Joshua seemed to notice him looking, and he quickly moved his legs out of Neku’s view. 

“Josh.” Neku spoke warningly. 

“Neku.” Josh spoke back in a mocking tone. 

“Josh, I am NOT about to put up with this right now.” Neku hissed. “Would you rather I call Mr. H and have him find out you did this?” 

Joshua looked away, and Neku took this chance to move closer to his friend and inspect his legs. Nearly every inch of his skin was covered in scars. Neku resisted the urge to recoil, instead opting to reach into the bag he always had with him for the usual gauze roll and gauze pads he always had on him. Joshua looked to him in slight confusion as he saw Neku pull out the gauze and medical tape, and he seemed to be about to question it. Instead of voicing his question, however, Joshua only shook his head and buried his head between his knees. 

**_“You weren’t supposed to know.”_ **

Neku heard the voice, and he looked up at Joshua expectantly. Joshua hadn’t moved, and it was suddenly clear to Neku that he hadn’t heard this voice out loud, but in his head. Neku pulled his headphones down around his neck, then pulled them off. In a swift movement, Neku put them over Joshua’s ears and flicked on his music. Joshua let out a small noise of surprise, but seemed to settle calmly as he realized he wasn’t about to be hurt. 

**_“…I’m so sorry, Neku...”_ **

“Josh, if you’re going to apologize to anyone, apologize to yourself.” 

Joshua’s head shot up in alarm, and he looked forwards at Neku with an expression that Neku couldn’t pin to any specific emotion. 

“You can hear that?!” 

“Am I not supposed to be able to?” 

Neku had begun cleaning away the blood, the unnatural knowledge and talent for cleaning and caring for wounds seeming to be helpful for once as he carefully disinfected the numerous lacerations. Joshua had gone silent, and Neku looked up again to see him looking down at his hands with an expression between fear and regret. Neku didn’t pry, however, and just turned back to his work as he tried to make sure that he didn’t accidentally hurt Joshua more than he had hurt himself. Neku heard a small hiss as he pressed down a bit too hard, and he sighed and wiped his hands off before reaching back into his bag. 

He felt the smooth packaging almost right away, tugging it free from his bag and lightly tapping Joshua on the shoulder. Joshua jumped a little, startled from his thoughts. Neku held out the bar at arm’s length, gesturing for Josh to take it. Joshua stared at it for a moment, then looked back to Neku hesitantly. Neku nodded, and then had to quickly dive out of the way as Joshua dove for the chocolate and tore it out of his hand. The wrapping was off of the top of the dark chocolate in moments, and Joshua was somewhat happily nibbling at its edges. 

Smiling a little, Neku checked that he’d cleaned all of the cuts before he picked up a few of the gauze pads from the cement beneath them. From there, it was only a matter of affixing them to Joshua’s skin over the cuts to properly allow them to heal. He made sure they were pressed tightly against the various cuts before he taped them down. Joshua seemed to not even notice, instead being drowned in Neku’s music choices and the taste of chocolate. When Joshua finally looked up, he had a piece of chocolate hanging out his mouth. 

Neku couldn’t help but laugh as the literal god of Shibuya quickly downed the piece of chocolate, still leaving a small trace of it over his lower lip. Joshua chewed indignantly, swallowed, then looked up to Neku expectantly. When Neku didn’t answer, the blonde huffed. 

“What?” 

“I want answers.” Neku replied, possibly a little too quickly. 

“You’ll have to be more specific, dear, there’s a lot of things that you could be talking about.” 

As usual. If Neku wanted a straight answer, he’d of COURSE have to be the most specific he could be. 

“Alright, you want specific questions?” Neku looked to Joshua, suddenly annoyed for reasons he couldn’t understand. “Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something important? Why do I keep seeing Players, Noise, and Reapers?! Why did you leave the damn scar from the bullet?! Why are you cutting yourself?! Why doesn’t anyone remember you from the Game?!” 

“Neku- “ 

Neku was looming over Joshua, his hands on either side of him. He suddenly felt like a deflated balloon, the last question coming out quieter than everything else. 

“Why… why didn’t you show up…?” 

His eyes were threatening to spill over, threatening to send tears cascading down, but he blinked quickly. Silence settled in between the two, neither speaking a word, the only noises heard being soft breathing. 

“Neku…. After everything I did… would you really want me to come back?” Joshua spoke softly. 

Neku looked up, staring Joshua down. 

“What kind of question is that, you idiot?” 

The soft snarl was proceeded with a tackled blonde, one whose head didn’t impact concrete but was instead supported by a hand whose fingers weaved into his hair. Joshua could feel arms around his torso and against his shoulders and neck, and Joshua only just barely registered that his back was partially against the floor. Trying to diffuse the situation, he attempted to make a joke. 

“You know, Neku, if you wanted a hug you could have just asked me.” 

Neku scrambled up and away from Joshua, and Joshua sat up, looking back to him in confusion. 

“Sorry, I forgot that sometimes you don’t like being touched! Sorry!” 

And suddenly, there was Joshua immediately yelping in surprise, shooting up from where he sat, and quickly backing into the wall. 

“You aren’t supposed to know that! You are NOT supposed to know that nonononononononononono- “ 

Joshua seemed on the verge of screaming, Neku only looked back in confused amusement, and betwixt the two there was just a mess of confusion and negative emotions. 

Then again, that wasn’t much different from how it always was. 

Neku, sensing that this wasn’t about to go well, spoke up. 

“Josh, what do you mean that I’m not supposed to know?” 

Joshua stopped his continual muttering, his head very slowly craning to the side to look at Neku. 

“You’re not supposed to remember.” 

“Ah, yes, there’s that word again.” Neku said this sarcastically, waving a hand in a dramatic sweeping motion. “Care to explain just WHAT that means for ME?” 

Another pause, a lot of silence, and then… 

“Can’t.” 

“Josh, I’m pretty sure that if this has something to do with the Game- “ 

“It’s not that.” Joshua spoke like an irritated child as he interrupted Neku. “I just don’t want you to remember.” 

“Don’t want me to remember what?” Neku asked. 

“Well, if I told you, then you probably WOULD remember, now wouldn’t you?” 

The banter that followed this was similar in nature, Neku trying (and failing) to gleam the information from his old friend, and… 

Old friend. 

Old friend…? 

Joshua picked up on Neku’s silence almost immediately, and his mind was already in overdrive, going back over that previous conversation, trying to figure out if he’d gone too far, if he’d said something he shouldn’t of, if- 

“Old friend…” 

Joshua barely heard this quiet whisper, but he froze in place. 

Suddenly, the place he had been looking was sans orange haired teen, and he was only staring at a wall. 


	9. Golden Days

_ Falling.  _

That’s what Neku felt, all that he felt, before everything started crashing down on him. 

He knew this feeling, wished he didn’t, wished this wasn’t happening, but it was. It was worse than that final time at the end of the Game, worse than being smashed by a Noise, worse than a thousand gunshot wounds, worse than the migraine he had following the Game. 

He heard screaming, lots of screaming, felt things slipping, can’t feel, can’t move, can’t see, can’t- 

Something is pulling him back together, stabilizing him, and he can hear echoing music, Neku regains control of his nerves enough to feel the hand pressed against his chest, right over his heart, and he still can’t think, can’t hear more than the music and breathing, probably his own, and… Hey, that’s a thought, he can think again, just not very straight. 

He can somewhat identify that he’s being held up by someone when more feeling returns to his body, but he still can’t see enough to tell who. He closes his eyes, focuses on breathing, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, and then he opens his eyes. His head is starting to clear, and he’s thinking a bit easier now. He can see now, at least, and can see a flash of white in front of him. He gazes at it intently, wondering what it is. The world is blurry, but still slightly visible and becoming clearer as he breathes and fixes his eyes on one spot. 

The music is less buzzy, and he can make out a few of the words to Owari Hajimari playing. He doesn’t strain to listen to them, instead opting to wait for the buzzing to stop. A few moments pass, and he notices that the hand over his chest is gone, and seems to instead be going through his hair. It gives off an odd feeling, but he really doesn’t have half the mind to argue or protest the hand right now anyways. Instead, he just settles in and lets it happen. After a little while, he notices that he recognizes the Music that he hears as Joshua’s, the same Music that he had heard while he was walking alongside him in the second week. It’s quieter now, however, and sounds less like Josh. 

When Neku is finally able to, he speaks. 

“Josh… are you okay…?” 

He sees the white flicker, and it snaps down and disappears. In its place, a folded, feathery… wing… 

Wing. Yeah, okay, Josh has wings. Should’ve expected that. Definitely should’ve expected that. 

“Neku, I think you should be more concerned for yourself right now.” 

Neku can move enough to look in the direction the voice came from, and he shifts so he’s looking up into violet irises. The hand he felt before isn’t giving off an odd tingling sensation now, and instead is tracing through his hair and leaving a calming feeling behind. 

“I’m worried about you more than myself right now.” 

Joshua laughs humorlessly. 

“Always the same with you, huh?” Joshua smiles halfheartedly down at Neku, heaving a sigh. “You were always like this back then, and even more so now.” 

“And you… you’re not the same person you were then, are you?” 

Joshua’s eyes flicked away, up towards the door. Neku heard it open a moment later, and he felt Joshua stiffen. Neku looked up, seeing Joshua’s lips form a tight line. His eyes showed a different mix of emotions. 

“Hey, Josh- “The voice stopped short. “Josh, what the hell?! Did you kill him again?!” 

“No, I’m alive.” Neku spoke up. He recognized that this was Mr. Hanekoma’s voice. It seemed that even his Music wasn’t the same. 

“Oh.” Approaching footsteps. “Hey, ‘Phones.” 

The barista was looming over Neku with an amused look, to which Neku gave him a deadpan look in return. 

“Are you  _ ever _ going to use my real name?!” Neku spoke exasperatedly. 

Neku heard Joshua giggle, and he turned back to the blonde to see him trying to keep a straight face as he spoke up. 

“Why, ‘Phones? Don’t like your nickname, dear?” 

Neku groaned, closing his eyes. “Not you too…” 

“Your fault for always having your headphones, ki- “ 

The barista stopped short, looking down at Neku. Neku opened his eyes and looked back, seeing the barista looking at Neku’s hair. 

“Where are they, actually?” 

“Probably on the floor over there.” Neku gestured roughly to the other side of the room, the side that he’d been sitting on with Josh. “I felt like Josh needed them more than me for the moment.” 

Apparently, that had been the wrong thing to say, since Sanae gave Joshua a hard look. Said teen shrunk back a bit against the gaze, and Neku shivered as he felt a small change in the energy that came from the hand in his hair. Neku sat up, then stood between the two. He warily stared up at the taller man, seeing a small scowl written on his lips. “What are you doing, ‘Phones?” 

“You’re making him uncomfortable.” 

Sanae’s expression shifts quickly, and he instead is looking over Neku’s shoulder at Joshua. Neku sidesteps, blocking his view again, but not quickly enough apparently. Mr. Hanekoma is now looking down at Neku with an expression that the teen can’t place, and Neku doesn’t know why, but he’s not intimidated as he usually would have been. 

“Neku, how can you tell that he’s uncomfortable?” 

The question itself is simple enough, but Neku still glances back at Joshua to see his expression is neutral. Neku knows he’s still uneasy, though, because those notes that are playing from him aren’t calm in the slightest ( _ And now are starting to resemble the Jaws theme _ , Neku notes). 

Neku turns back to Mr. Hanekoma, and he says in the strongest voice he can manage at the moment, “That music that’s coming from him is more like something from a jumpscare scene in a horror movie than Josh’s usual calm song.” 

The barista’s eyes widen slightly and his mouth opens as if to say something, but he’s silent, and for a moment Neku wonders if he said the wrong thing. About thirty seconds pass of silence, and Neku blinks twice, shifts his gaze away, then looks back to Mr. Hanekoma. 

“Did I… uh…. Say something I wasn’t supposed to, or…?” 

That seems to bring Mr. H back, and he shakes his head. 

“No, it’s not that. You’re just… uh…” Mr. Hanekoma trails off momentarily, running a hand through his hair as he thinks of a response. “…Not supposed to be able to hear that.” 

Neku takes a moment to process this, and just murmurs a small, “Oh… sorry.” 

“Nah, ‘Phones, don’t apologize.” Sanae waves a hand dismissively, trying to ease the odd situation. “I just don’t know what it means just yet.” 

Neku feels a bit of weight against his shoulder, and a small tickling feeling against his ear. He turns a bit to see Joshua leaning against him, and that’s when he notices the arms around him. Joshua is locked in a staring contest with Mr. Hanekoma, and Neku can hear a small shift in the energy coming off of both of them. He’s starting to get a headache from it, and he sighs. 

“Could you both… like… chill for a minute? Or ten?” 

The two turn to Neku, who, at the moment, is trying his best to not let the headache get worse. Joshua moves around Neku to face him, head tilted. 

“Neku, are you alright…?” 

Neku’s lips purse, and he blinks a few times. He turns his gaze to Joshua, sighs, glances away, and tries not to jump out of his skin as he leaps back and screeches. 

Neku backpedals faster than someone on a bike who’s about to crash into a stop sign because they were blinded by their hair. He feels his shoe hit something, and he glances down for a moment. 

Headphones. 

Neku turns his gaze back to the creature warily, and Joshua and Sanae followed his gaze. 

Sanae just starts laughing, and Joshua sighs and makes his way over to Neku. 

Dangling by a thin, silky thread is a rather large spider. 

Neku has arachnophobia. 

“Neku, the spider isn’t going to come bite you.” Joshua spoke quietly. 

Joshua had stopped, picked up Neku’s headphones, then deposited them around Neku’s neck. Neku was glad they weren’t over his ears, because he had the sinking suspicion that they would end up causing his headache to get worse. Joshua looked over Neku’s expression, and Neku (uncomfortably) looked the other way. 

“I asked before, I know, but is it alright to touch you?” 

Neku only nodded, then shivered as he feels like his entire body is being covered in ice. The headache was worse, much, much worse now, and he was pretty sure he’d stopped breathing. He could see a really bright white, see it for a few moments before the headache faded and he was left with nothing but the memory of it. He was nearly blinded when he opened his eyes that he hadn’t realized he’d closed, but his eyes adjusted to the light quickly. 

He looked up, and a glowing figure stood there. Neku registered that this was Joshua, and the small amount of fear he had felt disappeared. 

The form snapped down to normal Joshua size, still holding him up. He looked into Josh’s violet eyes, seeing them looking at something behind him. Neku attempted to look back, but the action physically hurt. 

“Don’t try to move just yet, dear. I had to shift your frequency a bit, so it’ll hurt.” 

“Yeah, kinda got that…” Neku mutters in reply. 

Neku feels something on his back, can’t escape the paranoia that it’s something that’s not supposed to be there, but Joshua hasn’t spoken up yet. Dimly, he realized that this is the third time only today that he’s almost passed out, and really, he’s not happy about it. It’s like life doesn’t want to let him stay awake, almost as if something’s trying to get him to fall asleep or something. 

“Neku, has anything…” Joshua trails off, trying to pull together his phrasing. “…anything weird happened in the last week?” 

Neku thought for a moment, and his mind almost immediately wandered back to the day right after the Game. 

“What are the Higher Pla- “ 

Joshua almost dropped Neku, but he shifted up to the weird glowing form again before Neku could hit the floor. 

“You are  _ not _ supposed to know about that.” 

“Some guy was just sitting on my desk the day after the Game. He was saying something about apologizing about the Game and…” Neku trailed off, blinking a few times. “You broke rules with that Game, didn’t you? That guy said you did.” 

Joshua sighed. “Yeah, I broke some rules here and there. About two hundred of them, but- “ 

“Two hundred?!” 

Joshua rolled his eyes, and Neku could barely see that past the glow. “Yes, most of which I didn’t even know existed. Not like those Angels didn’t have everything against me anyways.” 

“Oh, so they’re… Angels?” Neku spoke up hesitantly. 

“Josh, he isn’t supposed to- “ 

Neku finally managed to push himself off of Josh, and he looked to Mr. Hanekoma as he interjected. 

“You’re one too, aren’t you?” 

Mr. Hanekoma’s mouth closed quickly, and he stared back at Neku in alarm. 

“…Neku, you should really probably shush now. Maybe sleep for a bit?” 

Neku turned to look up at Joshua, and the second he did, he immediately regretted it. 

**~*~**

As Neku fell forwards, Joshua caught him carefully. 

“He’s not supposed to know about that. What are the Higher Planes thinking…?” 

Sanae approached Joshua, but in response, Joshua flared up in warning. Sanae understood, backing away again. There was silence between the two, but Joshua only sighed. 

“I’m going to take him home. Koharu will worry if he doesn’t return home before dark.” 

Joshua shoots Sanae a glance, to which Sanae sighed. 

“Yeah, I’ll keep watch. Though, before we go anywhere…” Sanae trailed off, looking pointedly to the wings that are dangling from Neku’s shoulders limply. 

It was Joshua’s turn to sigh, and he shifted Neku’s frequency up to RG levels again along with himself. Neku was still asleep, but just in case, Joshua brushed a hand lightly over his forehead before using psychokinesis to put Neku on his back so he could carry him without raising suspicion. Neku was a lot lighter than Joshua remembered, and that honestly worried him. It was abnormal for his age. 

“Sanae, in case I forget, I’m giving you permission to Imprint a reminder to discuss Neku’s weight with his mother at some point.” 

Joshua didn’t even look back to see Sanae’s reaction before proceeding out of the door to the Room of Reckoning. Knowing it wouldn’t be a good idea to attempt teleportation with Neku this early on, he internally groaned as he remembered the path to Neku’s apartment meant walking all the way to Cat Street from here. 

Internally cursing Neku’s mother’s choice of living on one of the farthest out streets of Shibuya, he started off. 

**~*~**

As expected, Joshua did receive a fair few glances, mainly just a few usual stares. Sanae made for a somewhat diligent watchdog when it was necessary, but Joshua was still on his guard. If anything were to happen to him, something most definitely would happen to Neku as well, and he wasn’t about to let that occur. Luckily, he managed to reach Neku’s apartment without any issue. Taking a deep breath, he knocked lightly on the door. He waited about thirty seconds, and he glanced up to Neku momentarily before the door opened. 

Koharu was wiping a small amount of paint from her cheek as she caught sight of Neku. 

“Is he alright?!” 

Ah, yes, the motherly alarm that Joshua remembered seemed to have grown more extensive as years had passed. 

“Yes, he’s fine. He’s just asleep.” Joshua said calmly. 

Koharu breathed lightly in relief, and she smiled a little. “Thank you for bringing him home.” 

“If it’s alright, can I bring him to his room? He seemed really tired earlier, and I don’t really want to disturb his sleep.” 

Koharu nodded in understanding, and Joshua shot a small Imprint in Sanae’s direction of  **_Quit that!_ ** when he realized that this was because Sanae was using Imprinting on her. Koharu stepped back and allowed Joshua through the doorway. Joshua headed off in the direction of Neku’s bedroom, and he opened Neku’s door carefully before walking in and setting Neku down. Knowing that Neku liked being covered up even when it was hot outside, Joshua pulled Neku’s comforter over the orange-haired teen before quietly leaving the room. 

When he reentered the hall, he was met with a confused glance. He looked back at Koharu with a neutral expression, waiting for her to voice the question she had. 

“You still remember where Neku’s room is?” 

Okay, not what he expected. Definitely,  _ absolutely _ not what he expected. 

“I have a tendency to remember where things are.” Joshua attempted to play off his surprise, but Koharu saw right through it. 

“Weren’t expecting that question, Yoshiya?” She gave a wry grin before she gestured him over. 

Joshua knew what was coming, and he returned it when her arms wrapped around him. 

“I was wondering when you would come back, Josh.” 


	10. Not Today

Joshua took a few moments to think of something valid to say before he finally replied.

“Sorry about that. I was… a little preoccupied.”

“For three years?” Koharu laughed lightly.

“Hm, suppose it  _ has _ been that long, hasn’t it?”

This was only proceeded by a bit more laughter from Koharu. 

Joshua couldn’t remember the last time he had been hugged by someone who actually cared about him in the same way that Koharu did. Koharu had seen a lot of Neku in Joshua back then, and even before they’d died, Koharu and Joshua had started to develop a strong bond. It just made it that much easier for them to work together during the Game, just that more that tightened the weaving of the motherly compassion that Koharu had held for Joshua before. When Koharu had been the only one allowed to come back at the end, there were a lot of tears, a lot of fear, but Joshua told Koharu that he would become a Reaper.

Unfortunately, back then, the previous Composer didn’t allow Players to play again, and Players who didn’t return didn’t get their entry fees back.

“Joshua, I think Neku is starting to remember you.”

Joshua pulled away slowly, nodding in confirmation. 

“He almost got all of his memories back earlier…” 

_ It was my fault, _ he almost added, but he bit his tongue and kept the words back.

“What happened earlier? He left in a huff, seemed really angry about something.” 

“He had… a lot of questions.” Joshua spoke decisively.

“A lot of questions?” Koharu questioned.

Joshua only nodded.

“And something in them triggered the memories?”

Another silent nod. 

Koharu sighed, patting Joshua on the head lightly. “Even if he does remember, it can’t be any worse than remembering that you shot him.”

Joshua’s blood ran cold.

“W…what?”

“Yeah, I know about that, Josh. Bit of a drastic measure, don’t you think?” Koharu raised an eyebrow, but he could tell that she wasn’t upset.

“…why are you so calm about this?”

“Am I not supposed to be?” Koharu laughed lightly.

“No, it’s just… I expected more of a negative reaction.”

“Joshua.” 

Koharu’s hands were on his shoulders, and he looked up to see her gaze fixed on him.

“If you hadn’t done that, then Neku wouldn’t have finally started to open up. I don’t know if you’ve realized, but…” Koharu sighed, running a hand through her hair. Joshua could tell she’d done this multiple times today from how it was tousled. “He was being trailed by Noise before you put him in the Game. I think that the Game was what he needed to break the negativity, so… Thank you, my dearest Game Partner.” 

Joshua made a small noise of understanding, not really saying anything. He found a sudden interest in staring at the carpet, not really willing to meet Koharu’s gaze anymore. Her hands fell from his shoulders, and he heard her speak up.

“You seem to have something else on your mind, Joshua. Care to share?”

Joshua’s eyes snapped back up to Koharu, and his mind suddenly remembered the question.

“Has Neku been eating lately…? When I was bringing him home, I couldn’t help but notice that he’s honestly too light for his age and height.”

Koharu nodded, then gestured wordlessly to the couch. Joshua understood, and the two of them sat down. Somewhat jittery, Joshua subconsciously started to swing his legs a bit.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too. He’s been eating, but not a lot.” Koharu explained. “I’ve been trying to make foods that I know he likes, but he still doesn’t eat. I don’t want to pressure him into anything, but…” Koharu sighed, running her fingers through her bangs. “It’s starting to worry me. I don’t know if he’s developing an eating disorder or not. I’d ask him, but he’d either deny it or wouldn’t understand.”

Joshua nodded in understanding, thinking. It would make sense if Neku did. When the two were younger, Neku was always conscious of his weight. When Joshua had seen him for the first time in Udagawa a month ago, he was surprised to see how thin Neku had gotten, almost as if he had only been eating a few meals every three months.

It bothered Joshua then, and it certainly bothered him more now.

“Should one of us talk to him about it?” Joshua spoke up after a moment. He glanced to Koharu, who merely looked back helplessly.

“I don’t know what to do at this point, Josh.” Koharu leaned forwards, her elbows perched on her knees. “I just want to get through to him somehow, but if I’m afraid that I try, he’ll push me away again.”

Joshua knew that he would probably regret doing this, but honestly at this very moment he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Want me to talk to him?”

Koharu seemed surprised by the sudden straightforwardness of the blonde child, momentarily at a loss for words. After a moment of silence, she regained her composure and replied.

“If you’re okay with doing that, then it might work. If you don’t want to, though, I won’t force you to.”

Joshua gave Koharu a deadpan look, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. 

“With all due respect to you as his mother, dear, he’s my friend. I’m not about to let him purposely or unintentionally hurt himself.”

_ Hypocrite. _

Joshua shook off the thought. Well, metaphorically, not physically, can’t have Koharu see him do something that weird. Too awkward.

“Are you sure you want to…?” Koharu asked again. 

“I’m sure, Koharu.” Joshua nodded in confirmation. “Someone has to get through to him.”

Koharu sighed resignedly, leaning back against the couch. “If you say so…”

Joshua crossed his ankles, putting his hands in his lap. He tried to avoid being lost in thought for the time being, knowing that Koharu probably had some other topic to discuss with hi-

“So… how is being a Reaper?”

...oh god. No no no no no no no-

“Oh, it’s… alright, I guess…?”

Internal screaming. A lot of internal screaming.

“You know…” Koharu had a small, semi-hidden lilt in her voice that Joshua knew meant something was about to go really wrong here. “...I could have sworn I heard a Reaper say once during our week that it was against the rules for Reapers to kill people in the RG.”

And now Joshua had no idea what to say. 

Oof.

Koharu shot him a sideways glance, to which Joshua’s eyes immediately flicked away. 

“Something you aren’t telling me, Josh?”

“Um… M-more like something I  _ can’t _ tell you…”

Koharu pulled her feet up onto the couch, pushing her hair over her shoulder. She gave Joshua a small half smile of understanding, to which Joshua fidgeted slightly at the appearance of. It reminded him a lot of the smile of the Master of Games a few days prior, the smile that she had given him before he had told her just what he’d done. Somehow, the smile Koharu wore gave off the exact same aura, and that tore at him a bit. He shifted a bit on the cushions, and he knew Koharu was staring him down with her mother senses to figure out why.

Joshua felt a small bristle in the air, and he was disturbed by this. He must have shivered involuntarily, because Koharu was now giving him a confused look.

“Something wrong, Josh?”

“I’m… not sure yet.”

Joshua stood up lightly, making close to no noise as he shifted down to UG. Koharu made a noise of surprise, and his concentration was broken as he turned to see her looking around in alarm.

**_I’m fine, just in the UG._ **

Koharu visibly relaxed, if only a little, as Joshua turned back to the task at hand. He closed his eyes, concentrating on focusing over his city, feeling through all of the streets, sweeping every building, every Soul-

His eyes abruptly snapped open as he rose to RG quickly.

“Koharu, stay inside. I have to go for now.”

His rushed warning was met with confusion, but the teen was already out the door.


	11. No Way Out

Joshua knew that fear, recognized the jolt of panic that had moved through his city in a wave as the same he had felt in his week as he rushed out of the apartment. Sanae snaps out from his hiding place, takes one look to his Composer’s expression, and immediately asks what’s wrong. Joshua slips down into UG almost immediately, and soft plumage extends from his back in a rush as he launches himself into the air. 

Joshua knows his city won’t be able to take much more strain, not so soon after the damage of the Long Game had started to reverse. That spike of energy, that sharp, twisting Music was enough to scare Shibuya into momentary silence, and that was  _ never  _ good.

He saw the clouds of dust, heard the screams, and he inhaled sharply.

_ “Miss me, Yoshimi?” _

**_~*~_ **

Koharu knew something wasn’t right the second that she watched Joshua sprint from her home. The flurried panic, the barely understandable voice that had spoken then was  _ not  _ a good sign. Something was wrong, seriously wrong, with her city, and possibly even wrong with Joshua. Although she knew she couldn’t pursue him, she couldn’t stop herself from jittering. Standing up, she headed towards the kitchen and started her very bad nervous habit. 

Doing her best to make as little noise as possible, she retrieved the things she’d need. Flour, sugar, chocolate chips, eggs, butter, vanilla extract, salt, a mixing bowl, the electric mixer… Wait, still needed to grab the baking soda. Pulling it off of the shelf, she set it next to everything else before going to preheat the oven. 

Baking wasn’t too bad of a nervous habit, but Koharu was always constantly making cookies and then regretting it because of cleanup. Usually, the majority of the day would be spent staring at the sink full of cooking supplies and constantly telling herself that she could take care of it later before she finally bothered to.

Koharu glanced to the time.  _ Only 4:38 _ . The day had seemed to stretch on, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about time going so slow. As she set the bowl aside and waited for the oven to finish preheating, she felt the sudden need to go check on Neku. 

Quietly padding along the floor in her socks, Koharu approached Neku’s room. A bristle of unease dug into her deeply and made her afraid something was wrong.

Edging open the door, she looked into the room. 

_...Where was Neku? _

A glance around the room met with no orange haired teens. Her eyes flicked to the window, and she caught a glimpse of something violet. Her gaze trailed upwards, and the second they did she had to clamp a hand over her mouth to stop the giggles from trying to force their way out. Koharu tugged her phone free from her pocket, and, with the quiet precision only a mother has, snapped a photo of her son. 

Slipping into the room, Koharu padded along the carpet as she approached Neku’s bed. She looked up to the ceiling, and she quietly whispered his name.

“ _ Neku _ .”

Neku didn’t stir from where he was suspended. Koharu tried again, louder this time.

“Neku.”

She heard Neku’s groggy complaint, and she spoke up louder. Koharu tried to poke him, but her fingertips barely brushed his cheek.

“NEKU!”

His eyes snapped open, and he looked in the direction of the sound. In that very moment, a yelp ripped from his throat and there was a sudden ‘ _ oof _ ’ as Neku hit the bed, then promptly ended up bouncing off of the edge and rolling onto the floor. Neku rolled onto his side, curled in on himself, then whispered (in a very quiet, edgy tone, mind you):

“ **_Let me dieeeee…_ ** ”

His mother was laughing at his pain, and Neku just buried his head deeper into himself. Why was he on the ceilinggggg? 

….wait actually-

WHY WAS HE ON THE CEILING?!

A low screech of “what-the-hell-is-my-life-anymore” was emitted from Neku, and, feeling slightly better, he unfurled himself and looked up at his mother. She only offered him a grin of amusement.

“Why. Was. I. On. The. Ceiling?”

**~*~**

C̸l̸a̵s̵h̷i̸n̵g̸ ̸t̶h̵o̵u̵g̸h̴t̶s̵,̶ ̷c̷l̵a̸s̷h̸i̶n̵g̷ ̵w̷a̷n̸t̷s̴ ̷a̵n̶d̸ ̴n̶e̷e̷d̷s̶,̴ ̷t̴h̶e̵ ̸h̶a̶t̵r̴e̵d̷,̶ ̶t̴h̷e̸ ̸b̶i̸t̶t̵e̸r̷n̴e̷s̸s̶,̵ ̵t̷h̶e̴ ̷f̵e̶a̷r̴,̵ ̷b̷l̸e̷n̸d̷i̶n̸g̶ ̴s̵o̸u̴n̸d̴s̸ ̸a̴n̴d̷ ̷s̴i̷g̶h̸t̷s̸ ̵a̴n̸d̶ ̸M̴u̶s̴i̵c̸ ̷a̵n̴d̸ ̶i̵t̷’̴s̷ ̴c̴r̶a̸s̴h̶i̵n̴g̸ ̷d̵o̴w̴n̵ ̴a̸n̵d̵ ̷s̶l̶a̸m̷m̸i̸n̴g̸ ̵i̸n̸t̴o̸ ̷h̶i̵m̷ ̶a̴l̵l̴ ̴a̷t̷ ̷o̵n̶c̴e̴ ̷a̴n̸d̸ ̶h̴e̸ ̴c̸a̶n̸’̷t̸ ̵t̶h̴i̶n̶k̵ ̷c̶a̶n̵’̶t̶ ̷f̶e̸e̸l̶ ̵c̶a̵n̵’̵t̵ ̴b̴r̷e̵a̵t̸h̴e̶ ̴a̷n̶d̵ ̵h̴e̶’̴s̶ ̸s̷c̸r̸e̷a̵m̶i̵n̸g̷ ̶o̴u̵t̵ ̶a̷n̶d̶ ̶i̷t̶ ̵h̴u̸r̷t̴s̵ ̸i̵t̶ ̷h̵u̵r̵t̷s̴ ̸i̶t̷ ̴h̸u̵r̴t̴s̵ ̵i̴t̷ ̸h̸u̸r̵t̸s̸ ̸s̷o̶ ̶m̵u̵c̶h̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶h̷i̶s̴ ̸s̷k̴i̶n̴ ̷i̸s̸ ̶c̸r̴a̶w̴l̵i̶n̶g̶ ̷a̴n̷d̷ ̸h̸i̴s̷ ̷b̷o̵d̵y̵’̵s̴ ̵f̷a̶l̶l̸i̴n̵g̶ ̴a̷n̵d̷ ̸s̵t̵a̸t̸i̵c̷ ̴s̴t̴a̸t̵i̵c̴ ̸s̵t̷a̶t̵i̴c̴ ̶a̵n̸d̴ ̵e̸v̵e̵r̶y̶t̷h̶i̵n̵g̴’̷s̷ ̷c̸r̷u̴s̴h̴i̸n̵g̷ ̸h̸i̵m̸ ̸d̸o̶w̸n̸

and then his body gives up.

**~*~**

Joshua is still lying there when Sanae bursts into the room. The Angel’s eyes frantically flick around, searching for something. His eyes fall on Joshua’s small frame, whose figure is blurry and liquified as he shifts unconsciously between frequencies. Sanae approaches, kneeling beside his charge and trying to hold Joshua together.

There’s a thick layer of dust coating his Composer’s skin, and across his cheeks there are curved, glistening lines tracing through where the dust has been carved away. Hanekoma can’t help the spike of worry that twists into his chest as he hears the Music that his Composer is emitting. Disregarding the notion that Joshua may not want to be touched, his hand quickly grips Joshua’s wrist. Joshua immediately snaps back into a steady UG frequency.

Sanae almost sighs in relief before he realizes how torn up the fifteen year old’s clothing is, how tattered and oddly dusty it is, how much it contrasts to Joshua’s usual appearance. Sanae lifts Joshua, and with a swift movement, he feels his shoes leave the ground and touch down onto linoleum tiling. 

Now within his café, Sanae carries Joshua towards the upstairs. His feet tap against the wood paneled floor as he approaches the room at the end of the hall. He twists the knob carefully, making sure to avoid dropping Joshua as he pushes the door open.

He carries Joshua over towards his bed, sets Joshua down, then retrieves a wet washcloth from the bathroom. He lightly wipes away the dust from Joshua’s skin. When Sanae completes that, he reaches over and pulls the blanket over Joshua. Deciding to let him rest, Sanae turns back to the door. On his way out, he looks back to Joshua momentarily before flicking off the light.

He still needs to ask Joshua what happened. For now, however, he resolves to investigate... 

...the kitchen fridge and find something to eat.


	12. Killer In The Mirror

Her feathers are dripping with an inky substance as she flutters them lightly. She can feel the discord that the city releases, feels the fear, the pain, the anxiety, and her lips downturn in a frown. The Fallen knows this is what was once her city, and she feels fearful in knowing that the negativity is not only breaking Shibuya Herself, but the one who took her place.

She hears the strong Music that the Composer emits as she turns to face her. The flash of fear that crosses his face makes her laugh, even as he tries to cover it up quickly.

“ _ Miss me, Yoshimi? _ ”

Her expression falters, and she can see her breath quicken. A deranged laugh escapes her at this Composer’s weakness. How could this brat have defeated her three years ago?

No matter. She was stronger. She would  _ always _ be stronger than he-

Searing pain in her right wing, but she swoops out of the way too late. Her already blackened feathers are now burnt, and she fights back the wince. She will  **not** show that she’s hurt in any way, not in front of  _ her _ .

“...How?”

She turns up to face Yoshimi, an icy glare that she only wishes could burn a hole through her.

“How are you back, Hotaru?! I Erased you!”

That scream couldn’t be taken seriously. Far too many voice cracks. Hotaru only cackled at her pathetic attempt at being serious, flitting her wings slightly to shake out the feathers and ease the pain.

“You honestly thought-” 

She couldn’t even finish that sentence before another beam of light was launched at her. This time, she dodged swiftly. Even more energy was thrown at Hotaru, but Hotaru was still much, much stronger than her. Hotaru could see Yoshimi struggling, and she knew it was because of her. Hotaru dove around the waves of light without issue, the new Composer being too slow to actually hit her. She wasn’t only dodging, though; Hotaru threw her fair share of reflective glass shards.

She stops just short of going face first into a blast. 

Hotaru screeches, can’t stop herself from it when she feels as if she’s being charred to a crisp. Her gaze shifts rapidly to Yoshimi, and she knows that she has to retreat. She has to reform her plan, no matter how much it will wound her pride. A mirror materializes, and she shatters it as she throws the glass at her rapidly. The Composer’s eyes widen, and her attack swiftly ends as she dives out of the way.

The previous Composer uses this chance to escape.

**~*~**

Hiding atop Pork City, Hotaru’s eyes sweep over her heavily damaged wings. Gingerly, she reaches out to touch one. Only the lightest brush against them with her fingers, and she yelps and retracts her hand. Her fingertips are covered in charcoal-like dust, and she shivers slightly. 

Yoshimi Kiryu should not have been capable of doing this to her at  _ all _ , and the mere fact that she could meant that something was amiss. It was more than that she was the Composer, Hotaru knew that much. She had to stop this before it got out of hand.

Even though she may not be the Composer anymore, she still cared for Shibuya as if it were her own. If Yoshimi continued this…

~*~

Everything hurt. 

His body, his wings, his Soul.

Everything.

Joshua felt like screaming, but he knew he had to keep it together. Drawing up the Imagination he still had, he wove the strands of Music back together. He transposed the notes down, attempting to fix the dissonance by lowering the key. Finding it didn't work, he moved to rearranging the instruments. In distaste, he removed the harpsichord and replaced it with a celesta before Shibuya began to straighten the Music out Herself. 

After a few moments of listening to the Music, Joshua opened his eyes. Briefly, he wondered when he’d closed them before he lowered himself to the ground and shifted his location.

Concrete, painful and scraping and harsh against his skin. Nails drilling into his skin wings burning put them away drowning static lots of static can’t breathe no no no no have to breathe let me breathe please static static static lots of static still go away go away go away go away-

Joshua screams out, a loud, shrill noise that echoes and bounces back at him full force. He’s crying, and it’s all too much, and Shibuya is rushing at him, trying to help but he can’t let Her, can’t let Her get hurt too. He blocks Her from reaching him, and Shibuya trills unhappily at him, trying to break down the wall and help Her Composer.

It feels like something is crawling in his skin and he hates it, hates that this happened, hates himself for not being able to protect Shibuya, hates himself for being unable to fix Her. Hates that he let Her get hurt again.

Time is stretching and everything is burning and **it** **_hurts_** , **_oh god it hUrTs-_**

The Composer’s eyes close, and his city immediately rushes in to help him.

**~*~**

Shibuya is afraid. 

She’s never seen Her Composer this badly hurt before, and She knows that if this keeps up, She won’t be able to handle it. She felt Her Conductor reach out earlier, and She reached back. Shibuya thinks that, if anyone can help Yoshiya Kiryu, it’s him. Neku Sakuraba is strong, and She loves him. She knows that Yoshiya and Neku have a strong bond, even if Her Conductor doesn’t remember. 

When Shibuya stabilizes Her Composer as much as She can, She calls out for Her Producer. She feels him nearby, feels him run into the room, and She reaches out to him and directs him towards Her Composer. She follows the two through Her, and She continues to take care of Her Composer. 

**~*~**

His mouth was stuffed full of cookie when he heard a noise coming from down the hall. Sanae stood up, swallowing and setting down the cookie as he headed off towards the bedroom. Edging open the door, he poked his head in. 

Joshua was on the floor, and Sanae only heard a low whine of pain before Joshua rolled over onto his back. He noticed Sanae staring, turned his head to look, and waved weakly.

“Hello there.”

Joshua winced, then attempted to sit up. Sanae approached, looking down at him. Realizing that trying to sit up on his own would do nothing, Joshua glanced up at his Producer.

“A little help?”

Sanae laughed lightly, helping Joshua back up onto the bed. 

“You know, J, that wasn’t one of your smartest moves today.”

Joshua halfheartedly rolled his eyes, leaning forwards a little and resting his head on his hand. “You don’t say?”

Sanae sighed, running a hand through his hair as he glanced quizzically to his Composer. “So… What happened?”

Joshua’s gaze immediately flicked to his hands. 

“She’s back.”

Sanae looked to Joshua in confusion. 

“Who is?”

“Hotaru.”

At that very moment, multiple things occurred. Sanae felt a little flicker of panic at the news. Joshua pulled his legs back up onto the bed, rolled over to face the wall, and pulled the blanket back over himself. Sanae’s phone rang.

Sanae stood up quickly, took his phone out of his pocket, and proceeded into the hall. 

**~*~**

Joshua tried to ignore the depressing thoughts that were trying to creep in, but it really did nothing. He was still at fault here. He didn’t stop Hotaru back then, and he couldn’t stop her now. He was lying to everyone else, and he was lying to himself. 

He needs to wake up from this nightmare before he wakes up six feet down.


	13. Make or Break

Joshua heard Sanae talking through the door. He was saying something that Joshua could barely hear, and at the moment he didn’t particularly feel like eavesdropping on his Producer’s conversations. He buried himself further in the blanket, covering his face with the warm cloth. It was always cold in Sanae’s apartment, and no matter how many times Joshua tried to ask him to try installing a heating system, the Angel refused. Frustrating, considering how often Joshua wasn’t allowed to stay alone in the Composer’s room in the Shibuya River. 

If Sanae was going to force him to stay here when his mental state fell particularly badly, he could at least try to be more accommodating.

Joshua didn’t turn around as Mr. Hanekoma reentered the room, closing the door behind him lightly. It was dark under his blanket, but he shivered as it was abruptly pulled off of him and whisked onto the floor.

“Come on, Josh. Get up,” Sanae chided him. “You’ve been asleep for over a day.”

“Don’t wann _ nnaaaa _ ...” 

This drawn out, groggy complaint was replied to with a blast of ice, a screech, and a blonde boy on the floor.

“What the hell, Sanae!” 

Joshua was scrambling to remove the ice from his shirt, and Mr. Hanekoma was laughing at his fluid motions right up until the ice was launched in his direction. He leapt back hurriedly, reflecting the ice away and stopped it mid-attack. Mr. H looked back at Joshua triumphantly for a moment before he saw the dark glint in his eyes. 

Ice. Lots of ice.

Coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcold-

Joshua was laughing at Sanae’s reaction, his small frame shaking with giggles as Sanae tried to melt his ice prison. 

“Not cool, J!”

“Oh, but it’s  _ very _ cool, Sanae. It’s ice, after all.”

“That’s-”

It took Sanae a moment to realize the emphasis, and he immediately stopped. A deadpan glance at Joshua, and the blonde teen only began laughing again. 

“Remind me again why I keep bailing you out?”

At this, Joshua’s expression fell. “You know, I’m wondering that myse-”

Mr. Hanekoma stepped out of the hole he’d melted into the ice.

“Yoshiya Kiryu, don’t you  **dare** finish that statement.”

Joshua closed his mouth.

“That’s better.” 

Sanae stepped closer to Joshua, to which the Composer shrank back. 

“I need an explanation, Joshua,” Sanae started. “What happened? Shibuya actually called out to me about an hour after you flew off, and you were on the verge of destabilizing yourself.”

Joshua took a deep breath, then started to explain.

**~*~**

Neku sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair. 

“Do I  _ really _ have to do this?”

Shiki gave him a disapproving glance, thrusting the blue-violet shirt at Neku pointedly. Before Neku could protest, Shiki shoved him into the dressing room and pulled the door closed.

Grumbling to himself, Neku grudgingly took off his shirt and tossed it haphazardly onto the bench before he looked to the shirt in disdain. Gingerly, he picked it up, then pulled it over his head. He was immediately running his fingers along the fabric, and he couldn’t stop repeating the action. Soft shirt soft shirt soft shirt-

It was about half a minute before Shiki knocked on the door, and Neku was still running his fingers along the fabric.

“Neku, come out and show us!”

Shiki’s voice seemed to snap Neku out of his odd fixation with the shirt, and he made a small startled noise as he realized he’d been just standing in the changing room stall. He hurriedly opened the door, stepping out into the main Mus Rattus store. 

Shiki squealed the second she saw him, gesturing for him to turn around. Suppressing the urge to laugh, Neku turned in an awkward circle before looking up to Shiki expectantly.

“You look so good in it, Neku!”

“You really think so?” Neku asked quizzically. 

Once again, he glanced down at the shirt. He had to tell himself not to reach out and start running his hands along the fabric as he looked himself over. Shiki hadn’t responded yet, and when Neku looked up, she was looking to the other end of the store and gesturing someone over. He followed her gaze, and his eyes locked on to Shiki- no, that’s Eri, that’s Eri, don’t think Shiki, think Eri-

“Hey, Shiki!” 

Eri seemed just as, if not more, bubbly as usual as she made her way through the various clothing racks towards them. Neku’s gaze was averted quickly as her eyes snapped to him, suddenly feeling self conscious for some reason. He could feel her gaze glancing over his facial expression, and in his peripheral vision he could see her facial expression shift. 

“I know you… You were the boy from the Crossing, weren’t you?” 

Shiki looked at Neku, an unvoiced question seemingly on her lips as she looked between her old friend and her new one.

“Hm… Your name is Neku, right…?” Eri spoke in an unsure tone. 

Neku only nodded awkwardly. He could see Eri grin from the corner of his sight, and he turned to look at Shiki as she suddenly started speaking.

“You two know each other?”

_ Please don’t tell her about the Scramble... _ Neku silently wished. He wished he could still Impri-

Eri’s eyes snapped to him in a second, and she seemed to be on the verge of screeching.

“Eri, are you okay?”

Shiki stepped between them, as if she was suddenly afraid that the two were about to get into a physical altercation. Eri shivered a bit, then frowned.

“I’m fine. I… uh… thought I just saw a spider…”

Neku could instantly see that that was a bad lie, but Shiki didn’t seem to notice.

“What?! Where?!”

“I might have just been seeing things, Shi,” Eri giggled nervously, adjusting her cap as she glanced away.

“If there actually was a spider, Shiki, you know as well as I do that I would be running away.” 

Neku grimaced, remembering the time in their week of the Game when a spider had dropped directly on his shoulder near Spain Hill. He’d screamed like a little girl, swatted at the spider hurriedly, then had tried to regain his composure when Shiki had looked back at him. She teased him about that yesterday, completely exposing to Beat and Rhyme that he was a total girl when it came to spiders. 

_ Wait, no… That’s just a social construct. He’d get upset if he heard me saying that… _

...Wait, who?

Neku put that thought on the back burner, but it still simmered on low heat.

“Or you would start screaming and trying to swat away the spider, Mr. Arachnophobia,” Shiki giggled.

Neku rolled his eyes, but couldn’t fight off the smile. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”

**_Good job, Sakuraba Neku. You stated the obvious._ **

“ **_eEP_ ** -”

Neku released a small noise of surprise as a hand appeared on his shoulder, making him turn quickly. Behind him, he saw a flash of ash blonde and violet before he swiftly turned back forwards in a bout of whiplash. He felt his feet leave the ground, and he nearly fell back. His brain felt scrambled, and he was at a loss for what was going on as he finally fell. 

In front of him, Rowena looked down at Neku underneath a blue sky.


	14. Dial Tones

Neku looked blankly up to the woman who stood in front of him, seeing her looking back at him with a sense of authority. 

“Who the hell are you?”

In that very moment, Rowena gave him a deadpan look. Neku stared back at her blankly before realizing that she had wings hanging down from her shoulders. 

“Do you greet everyone like this, Sakuraba?”

Neku sighed, standing up quickly. 

...Perhaps a little too quickly.

Falling off of a ledge wasn’t preferable, but hey, that was a lot of wind there.

He felt pressure against his back, a wave of energy that reminded him heavily of his psych energy, and he was back on the roof. He looked back, expecting to see something there, but there was nothing.

“Perhaps it’s best to avoid falling from high heights while you’re still alive, Sakuraba?” Rowena suggested snarkily.

“S-shut it.” 

Neku swore quietly at his stutter, glancing away as he stood up.

“Language, Sakuraba.”

“Stop calling me that,” Neku snarled. “Who are you?”

A small sigh left the other’s lips, and Rowena frowned. Subconsciously, her wings flittered slightly in his presence. There was a lot of Imagination being thrown from his body, even if Neku didn’t intend for it. It didn’t make her uncomfortable, but she was wary, to say the least. 

“My name is none of your concern, Sakuraba Neku.”

“When I said to stop calling me that, that’s not what I meant. Just call me Neku.”

“If you insist, Neku.” Rowena ran her fingers through her hair, brushing it away from her eyes.

“I’m going to ask again, and you’d better give me a valid answer.” Neku glared at the blonde, his eyes narrowed. “Who. Are. You.”

Rowena could see the futility of the situation, and she quickly realized that if she wanted to get him to listen, she really had no choice.

“The Master of Games.”

Neku deadpanned, wishing that he had a psych pin that worked in the RG right now. If he could, he’d be frying this woman alive (and probably Erasing her. She seemed like she was connected to the UG).

“I meant your  _ name _ .”

The woman hesitated at this, and instead of speaking right away, her voice came as a quiet echo within his mind.

**_Rowena Morningstar._ **

Neku scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Imprinting? Really?”

“You do not fully understand the severity of the situation, Neku.”

Neku frowned, looking back at the woman in disdain. She didn’t seem to be explaining further, and she was only staring back at him with a level view.

“What are you talking about?!”

“We have much to discuss, Sakuraba.”

**~*~**

Joshua couldn’t help his frustration. 

He’d wanted to leave WildKat and go out somewhere into his city, but nooo, he just  _ had _ to stay under Sanae’s watch even after he’d recovered. Now, even as he lazily dragged the mug towards him to take a sip of his hot chocolate, he wished he were anywhere but here. The mere fact that Sanae, a Fallen Angel who tried to kill him two weeks ago, still had this much control over him just isn’t right.

Oh, right. He still had to sort all of that out. No, Joshua wasn’t about to do anything irrational. Despite what Sanae had done, he was just trying to protect Shibuya from Joshua. After all… Joshua had said that, no matter what, Shibuya came before everything else.

Shaking off the dark mood that had started to rudely think it was alright to creep into his head, Joshua pulled out his phone. He knew that Neku’s number probably wouldn’t have changed, and while he probably didn’t have Josh’s number saved anymore.... well, that would be hard to explain, now wouldn’t it…? The Composer, who had no control over access to cell numbers, was capable of getting the phone number of their proxy? 

Josh didn’t have a decent cover up, and still didn’t when he pulled open the text message history. He typed his message, then hesitated. 

Should he really do this?

What if Neku still had the message history from before?

Shaking off the feeling, Joshua sent the message.

Despite his attempts to not scroll up, Joshua couldn’t help himself. He set the message history back three years, and his eyes skimmed over message after message. A lot of them mainly consisted of Neku calling him a dork, and Joshua himself playfully making jabs at Neku’s personality. As he neared the bottom, his eyes caught on a message.

Neku, 12 January 2004

Joshua, are you coming to Udagawa?

…

…

…

How could six words turn his blood to ice so quickly?

His phone buzzed, and the messages were scrolled down rapidly.

_ Neku 13:34 _

josh why do u have my number

oh & we need 2 talk

soon

really soon

Still trying to ease his body into functioning properly again, Joshua waited a minute to reply.

_ Joshua 13:39 _

Well, that’s rather coincidental. I’m actually bored right now, so if you could please come to WildKat...?

Joshua set his phone down, but the exact second he shut the lid and put it on the table he heard a small crashing noise.

A quick glance to the door, and he was on his feet and over by Neku’s side.

“Neku?!”

He only got heavy breathing in return. Joshua was quick to see the remnants of feathers clinging to his clothing, and his eyes trailed to the area behind Neku.

...dammit, now is  _ not _ the time for Neku to deal with these things.

Lightly reaching out and touching the center of Neku’s back, Joshua watched as the soft black plumage slipped back into his shoulders.

Joshua considered shaking Neku to try and wake him up, but the rational part of him realized he didn’t know for sure what was wrong with his friend yet. Still, he pulled Neku towards him and rested his head in his lap. Worry still crept in, despite knowing that it was probably just the switch between planes. However, he didn’t need to worry for very long, because about thirty seconds later he was receiving a bleary eyed look. 

Neku didn’t raise his head to look at Joshua, seemingly too disoriented to do more than make a small noise of confusion. Joshua couldn’t help but brush his fingertips lightly against Neku’s hair. Neku seemed to take a moment to reevaluate just what was going on with himself, and moments later he lifted a hand to wave quietly.

“Neku, you okay?”

Joshua was careful to speak quietly so as not to accidentally trigger something in Neku. Neku closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and then spoke up. 

“I…. I think I’m fine, other than the headache…”

Joshua sighed, retracting the hand that was sifting through strands of hair. He instead slid his palm lightly across Neku’s forehead. The orangette visibly relaxed, his breathing evening out and dropping into a steady pace.

“Better….?”

Neku nodded lightly, but that was moments before he realized what position they were in. A shriek rang out, and Neku shot up and scrambled backwards. His backwards scramble quickly came to an end when he slammed his head on the bar of the door. Instead of small  _ eep _ s, there was quite a bit of cursing and hissing.

_ Yeah, he’s fine. _

**~*~**

About thirteen minutes and 21 seconds later (a millisecond off), Neku and Joshua were sitting at one of the booths. Neku had a slice of strawberry cheesecake, while Joshua continued sipping at his second mug of hot chocolate. He set it down on the table, his hand still laced through the handle as he looked up at Neku.

“So… You wanted to talk?”

Neku looked up from deepthroating his cheesecake, swallowed hastily, choked a bit, then nodded.

“Weird stuff has been happening since I got back from the Game. Other people seem to share the same mood I do when I pass, even if they were annoyed or upset before. I keep having weird things come up in my dreams, and a lot of the time I don’t know where they came from,” Neku had to take a breath before continuing. It was amazing that he was capable of saying all of that in one breath. “A weird woman with really light and short blonde hair, probably just a bit darker than yours, showed up out of nowhere and somehow teleported me or something to the roof of Pork City…?”

“Wha-”

“Oh, and I was floating against my ceiling two days ago. That’s another thing.”

Joshua blinked, looking down at his drink. He knew about the spikes in the Music of the city, but he wasn’t aware of the fact that Neku had been visited by Rowena. He could still hear traces of her Music trailing from Neku when he lifted his head.

“Neku, there’s something I need to tell you, but you have to  _ promise _ not to freak out, alright?”

Neku gave him an odd inquisitive look, but nodded. “I promise.”

“Do you remember how you need to Erase the Composer to take the role…?”

Joshua watched as Neku nodded slowly, and he could hear Neku distinctly wonder where he was going with this.

“It’s the same for the Conductor.”


	15. Me W/O Us

He stared forward at Joshua blankly.

“...What?”

Joshua deadpanned, closing his eyes and sighing. 

“ _ So much for the dramatic reveal… _ ” he muttered.

Neku completely ignored him.

“Um…  **_No._ ** ”

Joshua huffed, his eyes trained on Neku’s. “You’re the Conductor now, congratulations, didn’t want to drag you into this, kinda just happened, yadda yadda, all of that.”

Neku stood quickly, his hands planted on the table tightly as he screeched. “What the  _ hell _ ?! What do you mean that I’m the damn Conductor?!”

Joshua giggled, slipping from his seat easily. His hands glided along the edge of the table, his eyes with a mischievous glint in them. Neku warily watched him, as if expecting him to say he was joking. Neku felt fingertips glide across his hand, and he resisted the urge to shudder. 

He looked down to where the hand was, but it was a moment too late.

“Josh.”

“Yeees, Neku~?”

The plate twirled in Joshua’s hands, a not-so-subtle reminder of what he’d just taken.

“Did you really just  _ steal my frickin’ cheesecake? _ ”

Neku bristled with irritation as he moved to take the plate back from his former f̶̧̹̬͚͔̮̙̺͚̉͊̀͋͜͝r̷͈͕̭̲̋̓̃̈̕ͅï̢̝̼̠͉̲̭͚̜̃͊̃͐͜ę͎̰̺̝̫͕̤̜͗̽̿͋̉́͌̕͜͞n̸̫͙̭͍̝̑͑̆͌̌̏͂ͅd͚̍͋̍̌̄̓͌͟͠͞ Partner. Joshua grinned a catlike smile before he leapt from Neku’s reach.

Neku dove forwards, launching himself after Joshua. In response, Joshua sidestepped lightly. When Neku collided roughly with the table, he  _ oof _ ed and stood up quickly. Glaring at Joshua, Neku screeched a battle cry before going for his cheesecake again. He tackled Joshua, and the floor was an ever hard surface. Neku grabbed for his cheesecake, successfully pulling it away from Joshua with a triumphant grin.

“I had no idea you liked me like that, Neku-chan~”

One beat.

Two.

And then Neku flushes and drops his head into Joshua’s chest.

“ _ Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy- _ ”

Neku was cut off in his complaint by someone tugging on his wristband. He rapidly pulled his arm back and out of Joshua’s reach.

“Something wrong, Neku?” Joshua asked softly.

“N-no! It’s just... Uh…”

Neku was trying and failing to come up with a decent excuse. Between his stammering and his attempts to form a decent sentence, something that feels cold against his forehead. It wasn’t unpleasant, and he was vaguely aware that he moved further into the cool feeling. He whined slightly in protest as Joshua pulled his hand back. 

“Again, Neku…?”

Joshua was gentle as he slid himself out from underneath Neku, tugging Neku up with him. Neku expected Joshua to be warm when he was held against him, but he stood corrected. Neku didn’t pull away, instead leaning against the oddly inhuman temperature that Joshua emitted. The slice of cheesecake that Josh had just been knocked down for now sat forgotten on the tiles while Neku exhaled quietly. Fingers skimmed over his cheek, a slow, gentle caress that ended with his hair being swept to the side. Neku wasn’t sure why he submitted to this so easily, but he wasn’t complaining. Joshua’s hands were soft, skimming over his skin cooly. It was… odd, to say the least. He wasn’t sure why he was so comfortable in the arms of his killer, why he was so willing to lean against someone who had shot him twice. The colder feeling that was against his body was nice.

“When I say that you’re the Conductor, dear… I mean that you’re actually the Conductor. I…”

Joshua sighed heavily, as if the very concept of telling Neku whatever he was about to say is physically drowning him.

“...I didn’t want to drag you into this, too.”

Neku didn't pull his head up. He waited for Joshua to continue, feeling as though he wasn't finished. Joshua’s hands turned to running through Neku’s hair as he continued to speak.

“I wasn’t aware that my superiors would view your actions in defeating Megumi in the same way as they would when a Conductor were Erased. I find this rather… unsettling. I don’t really know how to work around it.”

“Work-” An involuntary yawn. “-around it?”

“I don’t want to drag you into this all involuntarily.You have the right to make your own choices, and no one should have the right to tell you that you need to be forced to be someone that you don’t want to be. You are an individual, after all. You shouldn’t be expected to be any less than you are based upon another’s actions.”

Joshua was still speaking, still saying something that was probably important. Neku tried to maintain his focus, but his mind drifted. He realized his eyes had closed, and he’d dozed off for a few seconds. He tried to stay awake, but he knew he was on the brink of falling asleep. He never thought he would say this, but he fell asleep in the arms of his killer.

**~^~**

_ “Joshua?” _

_ Neku knocked on his door again, hoping that he would come to the door. It had been a few days. Neku hoped he wasn’t sick… _

_ There still was no answer, not even as he knocked for a third time. Neku had long since grown frustrated and worried, especially since he could see the light on in Joshua’s living room. _

_ “Joshua, I swear to God if you don’t open this door in a minute I’m going to open it myself.” _

_ Neku, true to his word, pulled out his phone and watched the clock. The minute felt like an hour under the veil of anxiety. _

_ 45...46...47...48…49...50...51...52...53...54...55...56...57...58...59… _

_ Neku knocked one more time, waiting a few seconds more before he turned to the statue of a rose. Removing the petaled lid, he reached inside for the key before straightening up and unlocking the door. _

_ Opening it, his hands shook a bit. It was… it was probably nothing, right? Joshua was… probably just asleep. Yeah, probably just- _

_ Bile rose in his throat. He clamped a hand over his mouth, but the damage was already done. Neku sputtered, his eyes clouding with tears. _

_ “...J….Josh…?” _

_ Blood splattered walls gleaming metal barrel pale lifeless skin dull violet eyes red soaked shirt- _

_Neku’s legs gave out. He fell to his knees, unmoving on the carpet below. He can only stare back at_ ** _him_** _,_ _his mind jumping everywhere._

_ “...w….wh…” _

_ He couldn’t get the words out. The tears didn’t spill.  _

_ Neku couldn’t even cry for his friend’s death. _

_ Joshua was the one holding the gun.  _

_ He…. _

**“It’s your fault he’s dead.”**

_ Neku paled. A hand,  _ **_his_ ** _ hand, shakily reached. He knew he shouldn’t, knew that touching Joshua wasn’t good, but he didn’t care.  _

_ His hand connected with Joshua’s cheek.  _

_...It’s cold. _

  
  
  


_ Neku broke. _

**~^~**

He woke up to a scream. 

Neku bolted up, and there was something wet on his cheeks. He brushed at it, and… Tears? What?

He heard a loud bang and his head turned quickly and-

“NEKU?!”

A panicked voice and frazzled blonde hair that looked as unbrushed as usual, but now he can only see blood and-

Neku screwed his eyes shut, looking away. No no no no no it didn’t-

The memory of it was biting back at him and gOD IT HURTS THAT HURTS-

The static grew louder and louder and-

The static quiets.

A calming hand on his shoulder nudged against him as he felt weight press against whatever he was sitting against. He felt warm skin meeting his own. The contact felt soothing and his mind was a bit clearer. He felt the hand running along the fabric at the hem of his shirt, tracing small circles on his back. He barely noticed his breathing slowing until he switched to breathing manually to try to escape the burning in his lungs.

“Just breathe… In…. Out…”

Joshua’s voice was calming, pulling the static away and tearing it from his mind. Neku rested his head against Joshua’s shoulder, breathing out quietly. His heart panged uncomfortably when his mind flashed back to the blood.

He didn’t know what he just saw, but it was just too vivid to be a dream. No, not a dream, a nightmare.

_ “My memory was the entry fee last Game. Most of it’s back, but…there are still a few holes. What about you? How did you die?” _

_ “Hee hee… Not telling.” _

...Was this why? Because how Joshua had died was...

Was because he’d shot himself?

**~**

Joshua could tell something happened.

Neku may have be silent, not speaking, but his Music was a mess. Joshua tried, in vain, to push it back into his normal melody. The second he tried, however, it pushed back into its pattern from before.

He wanted so badly to ask Neku what happened, what was on his mind, but he didn’t know how to. He felt as though he was overthinking it all. His mind paced back and forth, trying to get past the unintentional barrier that Neku had up. A tiny little crack, that was all he needed.

When Joshua slipped through, he was not prepared for it.

Blood everywhere, his own body lying dead on the floor of his old apartment, the gun he’d shot himself with still in his hand.

The scene replayed again and again, a never ending cycle of Neku’s memories tormenting him like a broken record player. Neku was leaning against him, which made it only more awkward when he leaned over and hugged him tightly.

Neku brushed against him, nuzzling his head into Joshua’s shoulder. Josh adjusted his temperature to help calm Neku further, and he listened for the notes to be pushed back into order. He hated feeling powerless to protect Neku, but there was only so much he could do with being censured like this. Trying to suppress the memories again would take too much Imagination, and he knew now that if he misstepped, Neku could permanently lose all of his memories again. Joshua didn’t want that.

“J...Josh…?”

Joshua’s gaze turned to Neku, humming softly in answer.

“How’d you die…?”

Joshua knew this would come up again, just didn’t know when, but he knew  **_Neku_ ** knew, and he couldn’t just act like none of it happened, like he wasn’t the one to take a bullet to the head by his own hand, like he wasn’t the one who killed Neku himself in the same way, like he was some kind of saint that he  **_knew damn well he wasn’t._ ** Joshua breathed in.

“You know how I died, Neku.”

Neku inhaled sharply through his teeth. His breath hitched. Joshua felt moisture through his shirt, and he frowned.

“...why…”

Joshua doesn’t have an answer.

“Why would you do that?!”

Words were caught in his throat. He tried, again and again, to speak, but nothing came up. No explanations, no answers, no words. Joshua tried to slip away.

He was being held too tightly to be able to. He didn’t know what he could say, what could be said to make this any better.

He drew his legs up onto the bed, his body intent on curling in on itself. He’s stopped from that when he felt Neku sit on his lap. He was practically being straddled by the orangette, and blue eyes are locked intensely on his violet ones.

“Joshua…”

Neku broke off, his gaze shifting further down Joshua’s face and away from his eyes.

**…**

Neku didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know why he was feeling so much filling him and cramming itself into his head at once, but it was all building up and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He could feel it coming off Joshua in waves, feeling the passion, the notes, the burning emotions that Joshua was trying to hide. The song, all of the notes in a cacophony of endless Music that breathed and sung Joshua’s name over and over. Neku listened for only a moment more before he leaned forwards.

**…**

Skin brushed against skin. Joshua made a noise of surprise, but he didn’t pull away. Instincts took over. His arms snaked around Neku, weaving through his hair. Joshua remembered Neku needed to breathe, but he didn’t want to pull away. They shared the same energy, pulling between them in electric shocks. The flames didn’t leave, not even as Neku pulled away slowly.

His cheeks were painted red with a blush that refused to leave. His forehead leaned against Joshua’s, Neku’s hair spikes tickling Josh’s nose as he breathed in. The silence didn’t last for more than three seconds, the sound of Neku yelping and hitting the mattress followed by a giggle piercing the air.

Joshua leaned against Neku, earning a soft noise from him. Their legs tangled together, lips colliding once again at Joshua’s prompting. Curled against each other, Joshua is left buzzing by the shocks of power coursing between them. The simple currents were enough to push Joshua further, and he nibbled at Neku’s lower lip. The orangette parted his lips, and Joshua slipped his tongue through. Neku tasted of mint and chocolate, every new inch the muscle explored mapped out in an instant. 

Joshua can tell Neku needed to breathe, and he gently traced his tongue over Neku’s lips as he lifted his head. Neku shifted slightly to lay on his side, panting as he dumped Joshua beside him on the bed. Joshua almost whined in protest. Neku kissed his forehead lightly, snuggling into his chest. 

“You’re not allowed to leave me again, Josh… I’m not letting you go.”

Joshua’s lips arched upwards in a small, serene smile. Silence stretched between the two, but neither really minded.

It’s peaceful enough for both of them to fall asleep in each other’s arms.


	16. Novocaine

_ “-lling, someone is calling. Calling, someone is calling.” _

Joshua is startled awake by the loud ringtone. He nearly fell off the bed in his rush to sit up, his head turning to find the source of the noise. Joshua facepalms when he realizes it’s Neku’s phone, sitting abandoned on his bedside table. He picks it up, seeing the contact name “ **Mom** ” flashing on the screen. Looking to Neku, he wasn’t surprised to see him still asleep. He could stay asleep through almost anything. He’d even be late for school sometimes because he’d sleep through his alarm until Joshua had taken the liberty of buying him one with an extremely annoying ringer.

Shaking Neku awake, he waits for Neku’s eyes to open before dangling the phone in front of his eyes. His former Partner rubbed at his eyes tiredly before reaching up for it and flipping it open.

“Hello…?”

Joshua holds back a giggle at the tired slurring of the word. Something still must have slipped, because Neku flips him off as Joshua catches part of the conversation.

_ “-ku, where the hell are you?! You know your curfew is 22:00!” _

Koharu sounds more worried than angry, her tone laced with a bit of fear.

“With Joshua. Sorry, I fell asleep.”

A yawn punctured the middle of Neku’s words, as if to further emphasize his point. Joshua can hear the small sigh of relief through the phone, but he doesn’t know if it’s because Neku has his phone volume high or if it’s because he’s still attached so closely to Neku.

_ “You should have told me where you were going, Neku. Are you coming home soo- Actually, wait, no, is Joshua okay with you staying over there? I don’t really want you walking home this late.” _

Neku glanced back at Joshua, who gave him a thumbs up in response before he nuzzled into his back again. Neku breathed out quietly before replying.

“He’s alright with it.”

_ “Alright, Neku. Just try not to stay up too late, alright? If anything comes up, though, you had  _ **_better_ ** _ call me.” _

Neku hummed a yes to her before leaning back into Joshua. He closed his eyes, listening for a further response from Koharu. 

_ “I’ll let you go back to sleep, then. See you tomorrow, Neku.” _

“Talk to you tomorrow, Mom. Love you.”

Joshua heard a small noise of surprise as Koharu ended the call. Neku laughed lightly, rolling over to face Joshua as he closed his phone. 

“Always wanted to say that. Just… was too awkward before to speak up,” Neku sighed and dug his head into Joshua’s chest as he spoke. “I was an asshole to her.”

“Can’t argue with that logic,” Joshua quipped. Before Neku could interrupt, however, he added, “The important thing, though, is that you’ve changed. You’re not the same person you were a month ago.”

Neku turned his head just enough to look up at Joshua, and the blonde could see the small look of question in his eyes. He internally debated whether or not to mention it, had a moment of thinking  _ screw it _ , and spoke up.

“Do you have something to ask me, Neku…?”

Neku hesitated, as if unsure what to say. His lips formed the words, but Joshua couldn’t hear them.

“What was that, dear? I didn’t quite catch that.”

“...what… whatarewetoeachoth-”

This sentence was cut off abruptly by a small screech on Neku’s part. He shot up, scrambling against the wall and breathing heavily. Joshua sat up, looking to him in concern.

“Neku?”

Neku pointed to Joshua’s pants leg. When Joshua looked down, he sighed and facepalmed.

“It’s probably nothing, Neku. Probably just… the  _ things _ .”

Josh moves his legs towards him, swinging them off of the side of the bed. A hand catches his wrist when he tries to stand up, and he looks back to see Neku giving him a look. Before Joshua could speak, he was pulled back onto the bed. 

“Joshua, no. I’m not letting you try to take care of that on your own.”

“Neku, really, it’s fine-”

“No it’s not. I don’t know what you’re going to do if you’re alone.”

Neku still hasn’t let go of Joshua’s arm. Pursing his lips, the blonde sighs and rolls his eyes before flopping dramatically against his bed.

“Why are you like this?”

The question is a bit unexpected, but Neku recovers quickly in order to answer him.

“Because you made me like this. That’s why.”

Neku gives his former Partner a dead serious look, his head panning over. When small laughs escape his throat at Joshua’s suggestively wiggling eyebrows breaking his facade, he wonders just how this boy, this very same boy who was pulling the strings all along, could diffuse a situation so easily. As his laughter dies down, Neku exhales and smiles. Not a gentle, understanding smile, mind you, reader, but a catlike one that makes Joshua shiver.

“Don’t think you’re getting away that easily, Josh.”

Joshua groans, putting a hand over his eyes as Neku drags him up from the bed and towards his bathroom.

**~*~**

Footsteps smack the pavement, noise echoing off of the streets of Shibuya as they’re chased. Their hair smacks them in the face as they turn a corner sharply, and they’re blinded.

The air is knocked from them as they’re slammed against the concrete. A weight, heavy and dense and pressed against their back, holds them immobile as they struggle. Their hands scrabble against bits of rock, trying to pull themselves free, trying to get away, but everything’s closing in on them and it’s too quiet. They can’t cry for help, can’t scream out to anyone. They can only writhe in agony as their fingertips begin to disappear. Static comes off of them in waves, complete silence around them but the passing of cars and the crackling of TV static in their mind. It’s swallowing them, tearing them apart, and all they can do is let it happen.

A figure emerges from the darkness, heels tapping against the pavement. A sickening crack resounds as the child, no older than fifteen, vanishes. A pale hand reaches towards the Noise, and it gently pats it rewardingly.

“Good Yami. I knew you’d come through.”

The Noise nuzzles against Hotaru almost affectionately, and she scratches the bear underneath its chin in response. Hotaru breaks away after a moment, looking down. A large batlike Noise sits at her feet, looking up at her confusedly. Hotaru leans to its height, extending her arm down to it. The bat hesitates, shifting on its feet for a moment before stepping up onto Hotaru’s forearm. As soon as it’s secured, she lifts it up and looks into its small beady eyes reassuringly.

“You’re fine. Where we’re going, there’s many more friends waiting.”

The Noise tilts its head in understanding, then turns to face forwards as Hotaru carries it away from the colorful mural of Udagawa.


	17. The Good In Me

Hotaru opens the door of her apartment, careful not to accidentally hurt her new little bat friend. The second they hear the door open, Noise come skittering down the hall towards her. They're like Dream Eaters almost, small and cuddly and cute, and it takes all of her willpower to not break her composure to pet them all right now. Hotaru’s been building a small army today, lurking in the shadows to search for strong Souls, people she knows would be strong enough to persist as Noise. Orphans who became stronger through hardships, artists who were struggling, composers of amazing music that were never noticed… She plucks them all from the city, drawing them free from their pain, their struggles. If she can save her city, save a few Souls at a time from what’s coming, she’d risk everything.

She moves further into the apartment, sinking onto her couch. The bat Noise is preening itself a little, but its watchful eyes never leave Hotaru. It may not remember what she did, but that doesn’t stop the fear that clings to it through limited emotions. She knows there’s still going to be a lot that the Noise won’t understand, but she hopes she can at least help it to comprehend that its removal from the RG was for its own good. 

Yoshimi was never very good at maintaining things, scatterbrained and unfocused when it came to anything more than writing some paperwork out or scanning a few small paragraphs. Oni would always scold her for it, Hotaru remembers. It’s a little more than slightly telling that she wouldn’t be able to hold together a city, much less notice a few of the Souls from it disappearing into something smaller and less refined.

Hotaru just… isn’t entirely sure why she holds such anger at Yoshimi. She never did anything to her, and it’s not like she’s the reason that she died. All the hatred should be falling onto her own body for its decision to allow the cells in her to miss a string of DNA that’s essential for healthy replication. The fact that she hadn’t noticed or thought anything of the pain she experienced over those months just confuses her. If she had thought for a second that it was actually something serious…

...No, she can’t keep dwelling on the past. She has to focus on the present. There are people who need her.

Hotaru knows what she has to do, and she knows how she can accomplish it.

**~+~**

Josh and Neku are snuggled up in Joshua’s bed again, this time beneath the weighted blanket that seems all too familiar to Neku. It makes him feel safe, but not as safe as Josh makes him feel. To emphasize his mental point, he nuzzles his head against Josh’s shoulder. It earns him a small kiss to the forehead.

“Warm,” Josh proclaims. Neku’s inclined to agree.

Neku gently pets Joshua’s hair after a few minutes. There’s no uncertainty in the air, only comfortable silence lingering. Neither really feel like doing anything other than cuddling, really, but they know stuff has to be said eventually. Just… not right now specifically.

They both startle awake at the sound of the door opening. Mr. H has peeked in, seeking Joshua’s presence. He stares at the two for a second, looks down to the floor, then looks back up at the two in confusion.

“So… Uh…” Hanekoma tries to start. He seems a little lost for words, honestly, which is probably true given that it takes him about thirty seconds to come up with a valid sentence. “What is… happening here?”

Mr. H waves his finger in the direction of Joshua and Neku. They stare back at him for a moment, Neku resting his head on Joshua’s chest so he can see better, and then Josh speaks up.

“Dad, whatever you’re thinking in terms of anything involving…” Josh pauses, making a face, “...that, you know pretty well that my dysphoria would have stopped any chances of that before it could happen.”

“Wh-” Neku sputters, reddening. “ _ Josh! _ ”

Joshua laughs a little, hand reaching for Neku’s hair. He runs his hand through it as he turns back to Mr. Hanekoma. “I can assure you that all that’s going on is comfy cuddle time. Nothing more, dad.”

“Okay… then…?” Hanekoma still seems confused, but he brushes it off after a moment. “Why did you leave the light on in here, then? It’s almost one in the morning.”

Neku reaches over Joshua to retrieve his phone from the table next to Joshua’s bed. When he looks at the front screen, it reads 00:51. Where did the time go?

“You two should get some sleep. Josh, just so you know, you have a meeting with Rowena tomorrow. She said she needs to talk to you,” Hanekoma says.

Neku remembers that name. Wasn’t it what that woman called herself three chapters ago?

“Rowena Morningstar?” Neku asks. It gets a heavy stare from Hanekoma.

“Neku.”

Neku can’t tell if he’s in trouble for knowing that name or not, so he stays quiet.

“Neku, how do you know that name?” Hanekoma asks, voice firm and demanding.

Neku still doesn’t want to speak, just in case it irritates Mr. H. He doesn’t want to get on his bad side, because the same kind of vibe comes off of him that came off of Rowena, only slightly weaker. He doesn’t know when he started being able to tell people’s ability through being near them, but he also hears Music around them, so this might be the same thing. He doesn’t know.

“Neku,” Mr. H says, a little softer. “Answer me, please. I’m not going to be angry with you, or hurt you. I know you’re scared because of what your father did to you most of your life, but I’m not like him. You’re  _ safe _ here.”

Neku stops breathing for a few seconds. Memories start trying to push themselves in, painful,  **_painful_ ** _ memories, and he can’t repress them, can’t stop them, can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe _

“Neku?”

_ can’t stop painful thoughts loud yelling screaming pain pain pain _

A touch to his arm, a hand slipping down into his. A gentle kiss to his cheek, caring and cautious. Awareness starts to return to him, the knowledge that he’s sitting up, the feeling of someone’s arm around him, and the familiar smell of lavender. Joshua is gently rocking him back and forth, his hand gently squeezing Neku’s every other minute. Neku can feel anger coming from Joshua, but it’s not directed at him. Someone else is subject to his wrath. Neku feels something discharge from Joshua’s other hand, which has left his back temporarily. Joshua is yelling something at someone, his mouth is moving, but Neku can’t hear anything. It’s as if the world is muted. Joshua glances over at him for a moment, and he gently raises his hand and taps Neku on the forehead.

As Neku falls against Joshua’s chest fast asleep, Joshua seethes with anger. His head snaps in Sanae’s direction. 

“Why. In the actual  **_FUCK_ ** . Would you say  **_THAT_ ** !” Joshua screams at him.

Sanae looks back at him, opening his mouth to speak. “Josh, I didn’t kno-”

“Sanae, I fucking TOLD YOU that Neku’s Soul and mind are unstable right now! But of course, you never fucking listen to me! You never do!” Joshua snarls. “It’s all about you being older than me, huh?! Thinking you know best because you’ve been around longer?! I’m fucking tired of it! I’ve spent literal years pressing down those fucking memories for Neku, and you just had to fucking bring up his father. Who the fuck do you think you are?!”

“Josh-”

“I don’t want to fucking hear it.”

Josh gently wraps his hand around Neku’s arm, and they both disappear from Sanae’s sight.

**~+~**

Hotaru can feel the crack in Shibuya’s Music. Can hear it, too, since it’s pretty much a CD stuttering in the middle of a track. She’s fairly certain it hasn’t been noticed by Yoshimi, or, if it has, Yoshimi decided not to do anything about it. It scares Hotaru a little to think that her own daughter wouldn’t do anything about something this serious happening in her city. She used to be entranced by it, looking at everyone, studying every inch of the city, making layouts, scanning crowds and the area above them.

...Then again, that could have been that she could see the UG, and developed an unhealthy interest with it. Hotaru wouldn’t be surprised. She got attached to everything so easily, drawn in by tiny intricacies of the world. Hotaru had been trying to find ways to get her to stop being so attracted to everything, but it was nearly impossible. That diagnosis of autism only explained half of the problem, honestly.

Hotaru feels something butting its head against her leg. When she looks away from her phone, she sees a small wolf Noise looking up at her. She smiles lightly, patting the couch beside her. The Noise leaps up onto the couch with her, curling up beside her and laying its head on her lap. It looks up expectantly, wagging its tail a little. A small smile crosses Hotaru’s lips, and she begins scratching the Noise behind the ears.

She could really get used to having Noise around her again.


	18. I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Josh has left Neku in his bed, while he’s curled on the couch. He’s silenced himself to everyone else, but he can still hear the noises tumbling from his lips, cracking and breaking. He can’t control himself. He’s shut himself out of Shibuya, out of the UG and the city. He’s cut himself off from the world, only the small bubble of silence and his couch available to him.

His father tried to kill him. And so did his adoptive father. Sanae gave Minamimoto the means of creating Taboo Noise to destroy him. He didn’t care. Didn’t even give a single flying  _ fuck _ that he was falling apart, just thought, ‘Hey, my son says he’s going to destroy the UG. Let’s destroy him instead of asking if something’s wrong or talking to him.’ Sanae didn’t even come to try and convince him not to “destroy” Shibuya. He doesn’t care, never probably did, and Joshua was stupid for trusting him, stupid for thinking Sanae actually ever loved him or thought of him as a son, and Neku should have just pulled that fucking trigger, because what damn good is he doing anymore, and he’s  _ useless _ , just making things worse for Shibuya and for Neku and for his friends and for Sanae and for everyone who lives in the city and okay ignore the tightness in your throat it  _ doesn’t _ matter who cares if it kills you you deserve to die for everything you put everyone through and you don’t deserve to have friends or to have family or-

Joshua can’t take it anymore. He can’t he can’t he can’t he  _ can’t _ . He’s the reason the city is tainted, all because he had a death wish, and he should just  **_disappear_ ** , because that’s better for  **_everyone_ ** . He’s just going to end up hurting Neku again, even though they haven’t talked for a long time before three weeks ago, and what the hell is the  _ point _ of giving himself the chance to do it? He’s not a good person, never will be, and the only thing that’s good that he can do is get rid of himself.

Joshua stands up. Feels the unsteadiness of his body, the effects of no access to his- no,  _ the _ city. He stumbles on his first step, keeps stumbling, but doesn’t care. He makes it to the bathroom closet, manages to find the box of older styled razor blades. He takes one out, tests its sharpness on his fingertip. Blood beads up from the puncture wound. This might be easier than he thought.

No need to make it harder for people to clean up after him. He moves to stand with his arm over the bathtub. Thinking a little, he puts the plug in and turns on the water, running it for a short time so that there’s water covering the bottom of the tub to dilute the blood. He readies his arm, holding on to the blade with a semi-strong grip. It cut through his skin like paper, so his veins and arteries shouldn’t be much more effort.

Taking a deep breath, he raises his right arm to be above the tub again. He steadies his left hand, sure that he can do this. It’s just like cutting. Just permanent damage. 

He lowers the blade to skin level. He doesn’t hesitate for more than a second before he presses the blade into his skin and pulls it sideways-

Joshua struggles against the person holding his arms away from each other. 

“Let. Me.  **_GO_ ** !”

“Yoshiya Kiryu, what the  _ fuck _ do you think you’re doing?!”

That’s the voice of Rowena speaking, but he isn’t fucking having it. He squirms as he tries to get away from her grasp, managing to break his left arm free for about five seconds. It’s not long enough to get the blade into his skin, and by the time his arm is recaptured, another hand has swooped past his face and snatched the razor blade away. Rowena starts to drag him out of the bathroom, past Mr. H, who holds the blade in his palm with a blank expression as he stares down at it. They stop in the living room, but Rowena still restrains Joshua. 

“Let me go. Right now,” Joshua demands.

“Why? So you can off yourself and take the whole city down with you?!” Rowena snarls.

“Shibuya can find someone else! She’ll choose someone else!”

“Not before the UG is taken down and this city becomes a dead zone for Imagination.”

Joshua struggles harder. It doesn’t get him free, only gets him a shock of electricity that leaves him dazed. He can’t make his body move, so the struggling stops. Rowena gets him to the couch and lays him down on it, then walks off. When her footsteps approach again, something heavy and warm is draped over him, and something fluffy is put in front of his face. The floofball happens to be Sanae’s cat. She moves and lays down, fitting snugly into Joshua’s arms and promptly rolling on her side and rubbing her face against his.

Awareness is starting to return to Joshua, and with it comes a wave of pain, mental and physical and dragging him down and under and not letting him go, and he dissolves into tears. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. He doesn’t want to play this game of pretend that he keeps up. He’s tired and he just wants to end this, end  _ himself _ , and why won’t they let him? He’s the worst Composer. Never does paperwork. Always fails to maintain the Underground. Why would they want to keep him around?

A face appears in front of his, a hand reaching out for him. He tenses and draws back, but the hand doesn’t stop. Instincts tell him to close his eyes and cover his head. He does. His breathing picks up, his heartbeat getting faster, fear takes chunks of his rationality, and suddenly he’s choking on air. He can’t breathe. At all.

He can hear the world now. It all rushes in and crashes down, and he shifts through Shibuya’s Music and tries to get away from here, away from everything, but he only manages to get a few feet away before he’s pushed out directly onto the floor, unstable and splitting apart.

Sanae is closest, and he’s the first to react. He quickly makes his way over to Joshua, lifting him from the floor. Joshua is gasping for air, and Sanae quickly asks Rowena to retrieve the inhaler from the kitchen table. She brings it back to them, and Sanae takes it from her before holding it near Joshua’s lips and waiting for a moment before dispensing it on an intake of breath. He makes sure to hold Joshua in an upright position, trying to ensure that he isn’t restricted in his breathing as much. As an afterthought, he gently touches Joshua’s back, and the binder that-

“Jesus  _ fuck _ Joshua, why are you wearing such a tight binder?!” Sanae scolds him. “You wonder why it’s so hard for you to breathe most of the time, but then you do this. How many times do I need to have this conversation with you?”

“Stop pretending like you a...actually care. I know you d...don’t,” Joshua gets out.

Sanae stops at that. “J, what the hell? You  _ know _ I care about yo-”

“Then why did you try to have me killed?” Joshua has pulled away from Sanae, scooting away from his as much as he can before his body gets tired. “You gave Minamimoto instructions on how to make Taboo Noise. You tried to get him to kill me. You  _ don’t _ care. You didn’t even think for a second that you were wrong about what was best for Shibuya.  _ Neku _ was supposed to become the Composer. He was supposed to fucking end me with that duel. But he didn’t, and I tensed and fucking shot him again!”

“Josh-”

“I did  _ everything  _ I could to piss him off, to make him hate me, just so I could go out without taking the city with me. But it did nothing. Absolutely nothing. He got attached to me. Attached to the person who put him through three weeks of  _ hell _ . You wanna know the most fucked up part? Nothing I’m doing is working. Your plan didn’t succeed either. All these hopes I have pinned on someone finally finishing the fucking job?! They mean  **_nothing_ ** !”

Sanae stares at Joshua. Rowena stares at him too. Everyone in the room is silent until Sanae quietly speaks.

“Joshua… You started that entire Game… Just to… to die?”

“What, you honestly thought that I, a dumb little bitch who can’t keep her fucking head together, would actually be capable of taking apart a city?”

“Don’t misgender yourself, J.” Sanae sighs. “You’re not dumb, you’re not a bitch. Stop saying that about yourself. That’s my son you’re talking about.”

“Am I even your son anymore?! You don’t seem to care that everything keeps going wrong with me, and th…”

Josh trails off. His eyes slide upwards towards the ceiling, directed towards the center. His body tightens.

Sanae is quick to pull him away from the couch that he could hurt himself by hitting. Joshua’s body begins to spasm in uncontrollable movements. Sanae turns him onto his side, grabbing one of the pillows that he took with him from the couch and putting it under Joshua’s head.

The seizure lasts for a little over a minute, and when the spasms slow to a halt, it takes a few minutes for Joshua to become conscious again. When Joshua’s eyes move up wearily to Sanae’s, his father lifts him and cradles him close.

“Hey, Josh…?” Sanae murmurs. Joshua melts against him, curling his fingers around fistfuls of Sanae’s shirt. “I know that… I know that my words don’t mean much, but… I’m sorry. I did realize something was wrong, but… I thought it was nothing. I thought it wasn’t anything more than a temporary issue that would repair itself. I should have talked you out of it, or talked to you at all about it. I just want you to know that I love you, and that losing you? It would break me. I already lost you once to suicide, Joshua. I don’t want to lose you again.”

Joshua turns his head to look up at Sanae, then returns it to resting against his chest.

“ _ I’m sorry, dad _ ,” Joshua whispers. Sanae gently presses a short kiss to Joshua’s forehead.

“We’re gonna get you through this, okay?” Sanae keeps his voice down as he speaks. “You should have come to me, Josh, but that doesn’t matter now. What matters is getting you better.”

Sanae carefully puts his arms under Joshua’s knees and back, holding him as he stands up and starts off towards Joshua’s bedroom. Joshua notices Neku’s gone, but he supposes it’s for the best. He shouldn’t have to see him like this.

Sanae carefully lays Joshua down on the bed, and Rowena helpfully comes in with Joshua’s weighted blanket on one arm and the gray fluffball (whose name is Mya, by the way) in her other. She hands the weighted blanket to Sanae, and he lays it flatly over Joshua’s body. Joshua is suddenly in comfy shorts and a baggy t shirt, and as he lays on his side Mya is set on the bed beside him. It’s the early hours of the morning, but Rowena still goes over and shuts the blinds and draws the curtains on the large window that stands in place of a wall.

“It’s time to rest, Yos-” Rowena corrects herself. “Joshua. You need to sleep.”

“And if I don’t want to…?” Joshua mutters.

“It is time. To sleep.” Rowena narrows her eyes at him. “That is an order, not a request.”

Joshua pouts a little, but then Mya flops onto her side against the bed and meows, and Joshua can’t help but pet her.

“Fine.” Joshua yawns.


End file.
